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They were leaving Athens. He was getting his Zyn's at his place (were they peppermint - who remembers), and he came back to the car and said he'd be right back and went into the liquor store. He came out with a paper bagged wrapped bottle and tucked it somewhere in the back.
Sweet. the road trip was on. Obviously she was nervous. Every interaction with her family made her nervous, but this would be luxe - the twins would be there - and her sister was always so generous and kind to her.
it felt so fucking fake.
even sitting in the car with him riding there - she missed the feeling that she wasn't on trial - that she could just say on her mind what she wanted without the mother-fucking self-editing. He got a phonicall and played it on the sound system. it had been an accident to do that. She heard his son's voice and the interaction they had and him calling him buddy and saying I love you. it warmed her. she was even mentioned - she forgot how but something like a fast "remember I told you." about going out of town and the kid agreed.
"your kid sounds like a stoner."
he was offended, so she added, "they all do though now don't they - that laid back drawl is the fashion."
He didn't respond or talk except to tell her she was DJ-ing. Oh shit - another chance for him to bury her in his mounting criticism. she wishes she felt safe. Instead, she tries with David Bowie. or something cool. nothing she wanted to hear - just trying to please him.
it had become a problem.
she couldn't stop it. she was constantly grasping at what the right thing to say. the only thing she couldn't do was play hard to get. it was just impossible.
she'd rather have played real - just getting drunk and falling into each other - even just once would be enough to make her take the judge's robes off and dismiss the jury. maybe.
she wished she'd just shut the fuck up. It was his brother's birthday. He was turning 55. he was a year younger than her. a year a month and a day. she thought it was neat - like how they also had worked at the company the exact same amount of years, how she had guessed his birthday, how her first husband drove a red Hyundai (whoa that might be a bit too much) but she took all the signs. She's told you millions of times that she just thought it would come with time - trust and non-edited flowing intimacy.
he didn't like to open-mouth kiss after the first month. She didn't like it, but the person that wanted less always won.
this was the trip they were going to wake up slightly hungover - well she was major hungover - and he was going to answer "it's not my fault" when she said she liked him more than he liked her.
they didn't drink the tequila she had brought. she always brought tequila. he had noted it. it was his favorite. she wishes she could have just said "what the fuck gives. do you know how much it sucks to want to touch you and cuddle you and you just act like I'm not here with your back to me."
what would it have solved. maybe it would have ended sooner. maybe she was happy to have had this family Christmas with him. she had thought about letting him off the hook because he seemed so unenthusiastic about anything - but she was too desirous of not being the seventh wheel.
this year she would be. it would be better after this year - not everything would be "last year this time."
so the second morning. they're leaving after she just says "you're not up for this are you. let's just go back. I'll make something up."
probably she wasn't up for it. she wanted to get home and sulk and think and write and come to the clue that solved the mystery.
he agreed amicably and got the bottle out of his bag. "here. give this to your sister. I'll tell you later about the wine."
"wow. that's so classy."
He turned to her, "I'm kind of a grifter. you don't know that about me. I'm trying to be classy."
"you are."
she gave it to her sister and left and said goodbyes with a huge fake smile on her face. she got in the car with him in her yellow j. crew puffy vest and they headed down the mountain.
he told her later about the wine. she wasn't sure why it couldn't have been said right away, "oh, it's from this Athens lady who is a vintner and has all organic stuff and methods. it's really cool."
"wow. thanks. do you think I'm a placeholder. will I ever see you again."
"I think so."
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