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just dirt in the ground
"you seen the game?"
"yeah, auburn got whooped. dawgz ..."
the cat had been so happy to see her.
it pounced in the keyboard and deleted all her words
they were beautiful and inspired by chuck and lance and Nebraska
and listening to albums
what ever
it was the keyboard typer's call - cat on her keyboard or swatted away
"he swung out over the crowd - the hangman said..."
she had wept.
her parents were watching from the Tampa airport from their
ring camera.
she couldn't put the speakers up high enough.
she was going to headphones
"take a king or a beggar and the answer will give, we're all..."
the only reason she was even listening to her vast store of mp3's she'd inherited from the divorce of mark
what was left of it
she remembered mocking Laura about "good god you can see every redneck boyfriend she's had in the last five cassette rings...."
and narcissi had only been better because sassy magazine had given her "hootenanny" but she had bought "Tim" because it was cheaper at the mall's bin or she had found it and decided let's roll with her $20 bankrolled by stepdad
they were coming home today
she had housesit for them
girl, the last time she had done that was last year and Leon had been there with her and they had seen big thief and been nonplussed and that's Shen he gave her the third of the only three compliments he had given
("taken care of your boy - seein' now that he had clean clothes - a-puttin' on his little red shoes - repeat - and point a finger at me....trying to do my very best - looking straight at you - coming through darlin")
he had gone to Vassar
"one of the people I met in college just rolled his eyes when I said it, but I wasn't lying - I just didn't hear the lyrics - I didn't register them, but I loved bob Dylan even though it wasn't for his lyrics."
she had loved him for 'rules of the game', being thrilled at being from Oakland...
the brain,,
"I'm nothing but a stranger in this world. I'm nothing but a stranger in this land. in another world. so far away. so far away....we have been to heaven..."
and she had wept on the ring camera
wept at returning to the responsibly of six cats
a home
a mess
a raging empty void of her on making
"in another time. in another place."
the guy who lived in chastain park who was her supervisor at the weird start up company - the one she had texted mark and dan the moment she was back in reality, "holy shit! I've finally met someone that claims to have been abducted by aliens..."
and of course I've told you this story before - the one where it takes ten years off his life to tell anyone but he honors narcissi.
she begs him not to have told her.
the other thing he told her was one of the more horrifying girl drunk stories she collected - the girl that ran away after making the Lyft driver ...
but this one was "kristen, there was this girl I dated last night. she got so drunk, she started talking to Phoebe, chandler, ross, and Rachel like they were friends in the room with her."
pun always intended
(it was van Morrison rube...)
and it was over.
she made it back. there had been a fallen off bumper in one of the lanes of southbound Georgia 400 but Waze had Warned her and she saw the courteous cars signaling....
god
she had wept. '
do you care?
she had wept for you.... that you had been there exactly a year ago.
switching the songs and turning up a volume and rewinding
I wonder if you know this song noel
but you never know the words
"... everyone is trying to get to the bar. the name of the bar. the bar is called heaven. with a hand in heaven then came my favorite song. play it once again. play it all night long...."
she kept saying out loud in the shitty car beloved from her brother and it's performance and milege
she swayed to the headphones November 8th in the writing room with its corner windows
"there is a party. everyone is there. everyone but me... AT EXACTLY the same time. it's hard to imagine nothing at all - could be so exciting - could be so much fun."
she kept saying out loud, "I love you. I love you so much. I loved you. I loved you so much."
but she'd never admit that to you
"when this kiss is over, we'll start again.
it will not be any different. but will be exactly the same.
it's hard to imagine
that nothing exciting
could be this much fun."
she had loved you.
it hadn't mattered.
she had festered her wound to you
like you were a poison cure
nothing ever happens
next song.
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