I had a night out with jane last night. It was lovely. I am (obviously) in my fattening doldrums, and I was reluctant to go out past 9:30 and was torn about whether to cancel.... the usual. But out I did go, and panacea I did ingest.
Thank you. As have all the best girls I know, I was a guy's girl most of my life. I maligned the vapid fashionistas of my shared sex. Sure boys didn't really understand, but they adored and were so low drama. Well nothing is absolute.
Drinking beers and talking about how nuts our lives are and how it's all fleeting... These are things I need. I devour talking to kindred spirits, intense spirits, and supporters of the Kristen regime.
I am lonely now (no shit eh?) and feel deprived of the comfort of a friend family. I have never been comfortable being myself with my family (and feel I'm a great loss to the theater). It's the friends who get me through.
If I start to think how I'm perceived, I go a bit bonkers. Do they like me? Do I seem cool? Am I saying the things that will make them love me? Am I providing the counsel and verve that many have come to expect from me?
At this new job, I am with people again (as opposed to my beloved miss lena, j.r.r., nalu, angus, bailey, and spaz and jesse.) It's strange at my job. I work with a total nice narcissist. You would think we would talk like a house afire, but honestly, they don't seem to click with me yet. Perhaps this is the stage that happens before the integration, but it feels odd to not be asked questions about myself. I am full of cool and anecdotes, but I certainly wouldn't deign to dribble them to an unwelcome crowd.
I feel on a stage.
A bit of writer's block.
I feel as I've lost the knack - the je ne sais quoi. the confidence.
Not depression, but defeatedness.
Jane did make me feel good about something (among others) in that even sane people get comments like "I'm worried about you" from people that don't really keep up with the day to day.