Today, I am in my 'old' house. I am drinking wine. red. I don't know the vintage, but I'm rather sure it's alcoholic.
I don't think I'm going to watch baseball on the bar teevee with jayne and her work friends. I think I"m going to watch the prequel to 'decline of western civilization'. I think I am.
It hits me at weird times: what I've done. what i'm doing. where I'm going. Honestly, when I go down, so many around me are going up. This is always the way with me.
I think about what I've lost.
I think about you and how stupid I was to let that go bizzirk in my head. I think of how odd it is that I have no idea how to spell bizzerk. How even spell check wants to call it bizarre. I think about you dancing at jane's house and how you laughed that night and how I drifted into the lake and held the grail.
Imagery of lunacy.
An oracle once said that one of my main patterns is that I need an 'other'. I need someone to travel with me and have a role defined by them.
Too true. It is hard to even feel energy without you.
My brother was in the navy for a bit and talked about how you had to tread water for eight hours or some nonsense. Every now and again, I try this in a pool or the ocean or some like-minded body of water. I don't last long, but it isn't life or death to me.
I find it hard to get motivated about anything that doesn't involve creativity, healing, and love love love.