I sit at my table and wage war on myself. It's all it's all for nothing.
All or nothing at all.
All for one and one for all.
All shook down.
All of me, why not take all of me.
For some reason, I want to tell you about the lady who looked at me today. She was about forty - LA forty. I was walking back from Diedrich's coffee having said my goodbye's to Li' Madison (the pug pekinese)....
This lady looked at me... not in that way of recognition or of glancing, but looked at me.
It doesn't happen very often does it.
I was touched. I enjoy being looked at. I enjoy being a mystery and being wondered about.
I am as antsy as an ant.
I am putting off the inevitable. I am putting off being myself and living on my own. Mark and I have been maintaining the same. I sleep here most nights. I have slept in my old place only thrice. This is mainly because I'm scared and also because mark has been working on the weekends. I realized my favorite stance:
I enjoy being alone - surrounded by things of my making, but I want the safety net.
I have been a film widow most of my life. This feeling of being alone but being connected to someone far away is familiar and comfortable to me.
In many ways, I'm an only child (although I'm the youngest)... My mother would leave me alone tons. I am used to being alone, but not being on my own. It is easy for me to function with a protector - connected to something.
This is an easy sentiment. It is easy to see fear. It is easy to want the easy and the torpor.