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post #142
bio: kristen

first post
that week

Category List
The ones about love
The ones about men

Previous Posts
Dutch Ultimatum
The Ludditette
Friday Party #347
The Wizard of Uz
Taking One 4 the Team
Leap and the Net Will Appear

Yes, it's true. To my chagrin, I perused the craigslist "strictly platonic" personals. Did you know that many of the posters actually violate this rule and much is seemingly love-interested?

Nothing hit me. What would I post you ask? Hmmm:

I'm scared of who would reply to this. Aren't you all a bunch of freaks, but I'm lonely and a girl/woman (33) who lives in Santa Monica and is recently separated from the most good kind man in my wanderings.

Let the line begin.

So I have done the good-byes. The good-byes to silence. My heart
could only take so much poopy pain and waiting. I am an impatient person, and I grow obsessional and insecure when not balmed. Solstice was an ending of sorts dear friend. Nothing occurs like you expect it to. How do you make gods laugh? plan. Mock me. Throw the darts into my facade. Imaging me laughing hard and taking things too far and being immersed in the puddle because I jumped in to get the image. Do it. Seriously, do it.

Today, I have paced like a lion and drank glass of water after glass of water and my throat is sore from going to the back and smoking a fag.

Antsy. Sad. Frustrated. Angry. Lost. Numb. Resolved. Treading.
Guilting. Railing. Pissing. Coughing. Repeating.

Make fun of me. Stand behind me in the queue. However, today I have turned to - wait for it.... wait for it.... wait for it.... I have inputted errant suitor's birthdate (Of course being the scientist I am of this pseudo-science - I have compared charts and interrelated other people with both me and person - husband and I have a good 'rating'... greg and person do not have a good rating.) - coordinated it with my own and had the lovely ones and zeros generate a response. I am quite sure you are curious what it says. Oh yes:

"sex is likely to be seen by both of you as an experience that transcends ordinary reality"... "one of the strongest indications of a love relationship between two people"... "highly spiritual union"...
"projecting visions of what you want on partner - possible self-delusion"... "danger of one of you giving more to the relationship than the other"... "quite intense with a powerful quality that will transform you both in some fundamental way - not a light and gay love"... "both of you come close to each other's ideal... deepest love". The frustration is equated with blue balls. Why would one not want to at least taste a recently-pseudo-separated, desperate, using, selfish, redundant, narscissitic, madwoman? So vexing. So humiliating. So sad. Oh, and it's been done before in an eerily similar manner. Fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckity fuck fuck. So sad and numbing.

Deflated balloon and questioning instincts and humbling myself and yet
- as god is my witness - I still have the fucking hope. Even now, I have the hope that this will be tried.

And the funny thing - the hilarious aspect - is that I have built this all myself. As I've told you, I've only met person twice. Both times seemed alluring to me; however, I am a fool.

I don't deserve such a happy. I deserve to rot in hell and be alone for hurting and betraying and rejecting the one most wonderful.

Sure, offer advice for me to do something - make something out of myself - stop staring at the reflection - start being wonderful and amazing - stop the drama and start the work - save the homeless - what other things have you told me? Quit whining. I'm sick of hearing this.

Hit the repeat button.

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