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Fade Into Me
 
 



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post #149
bio: kristen
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6/30/2005
22:51

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Dutch Ultimatum
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Leap and the Net Will Appear

Have you ever heard that song by Vic Chestnut, "Independence Day". Well, it is a good one.


I will write about you one more time before I go. One more, and then you will be relegated to the basement, and I will visit your body only when I want a good ghost story. Perhaps we could build a bonfire.

It isn't even an ideal time for me to write my last tome to you. It is work and I am in morning.

Remember when you believed in me? You wrote me two notes. I found them - as you had intended - upon my awakening. You wrote me an intoxicating email. I printed it out and thought of the witch of blackbird pond as I had folded it and unfolded it and kept in on my person for several days.

Does that scare you? It is what we/women do when we first love. At least I believe it is. We put your last name with our first name and dream of names for our children. It's all about the naming. I even did it with you. I have done it with several. So far, your name is the most harmonious because of the alliteration. In fact, I just thought of it. It was you or Kristen Gober, Kristen Dean, Kristen Goodman, Kristen Gilmer, Kristen Pate. I think if I marry someone again, it will be a secret in the woods, and I would take your name (the hypothetical you as this is a goodbye - a kiss-off) as my middle name. This is all theory. When in love, we are mad.

When you blew me off and blew on me then blew me off then blew on me, I could only touch one thing of yours. There was only one part of me that you had given me. You had given me words.

The first to go was the email. The one that said -and please excuse my recall. I have a tin ear - but let's try. In my recollection, you wrote a list of ten things. I used to have them memorized, but let's try:

You scare me because I feel you are stronger than people I am used to. I am frightened by your aura - a sense of deja vu and like things come to mind. I am attracted to you. You are beautiful.

I recall 5 out of 10.

I have never made love to you/fucked you.

I was drunk with you. I would walk to the ocean often. It was a bizarre time in my life. In fact, you were very useful to me. You reminded me of things another brought up. But, I was fucked up by you.

So, I read your email one last time and threw it in the sea. I told you this later. I have told you things 188% more than you to me. You said you liked to listen, and I thought - they all say that.

In summation, I have one area of expertise, and it is knowing the players. I was someone you could have played with. You got scared. I am quite a thing I admit. I have been selfish with you. I had not considered that perhaps you do like me and have your own issues. Perhaps your hand twitches and your shell hardens. I don't know.

Your 1st note to me (although I was in a deep state of subconscious activity so I do not know the order in which you wrote these notes to me), I would look at every time I went to jane's house. I kept it behind here tv. It became a joke as I would read to Fia the contents. I would ask them both to recount the story of how you covered me in animal skins and looked amazed to have found me. Jane would. Fia would roll her eyes. She thought Ricky was such a child. Ricky. I am told you danced to DMX and put on the black and white hat. They thought that was awesome.

I burned this note. I burned it up like a mother fucker on Jane's grill. I believe I can recall this one. It was written on a kinko's paper sack: "Kristen, I am sorry that things did not work out quite write last night. Please call me. I am enamored with you..."

(of course I called you. You said you were sleepy and would call me later. You asked me about my passport - if I had remembered where I put it. I laughed and told you that I woke up remembering that I kissed a boy and you ask me about my passport. I talked to you and my voice trebled - vibrato. This has never happened to me before. It was interesting. To me, it was beginning. I asked you if you had ever been in love. I was laying on the rotating ottoman belly down. You told me you had been with a girl that had an indian name.. Was it Indira? Karma? I was looking in my closet's mirrored doors when I told you I thought you might be someone who changed my life. You said I was someone who had already changed yours. We hung up as I was freaking you out. I am older than you, and I knew what you were and how rare it is. You don't know this yet, and that is my pain to bear).

Of course I could be full of shit and delusions. Shit. The processed remains of food and energy, but shit has a secret - it nourishes these foodstuffs.

The third note was on the back of ricky's business card. I have it here in front of me. "DEAR KRISTIN HERE IS MY PHONE NUMBER. I AM ENAMORED WITH YOU..." You wrote in all caps. You spelled my name wrong on this one but right on the other one. I liked the way you split the odds. In fact, dan, I like the way you write. I like that you have a pug. I like that you were born on the solstice. I like that you could play the games. I like that you play bass - possibly drums. I like the way that you are. Rather, I like the way you seem. I like that you were born in california and still live here. I like that the oracle said you would heal me and that you have been looking for me all your life and can't believe I exist. I like you kiss. I like your caution. I like your hiding.

Live long and prosper. You have added another tooth to my necklace (not another notch in my lipstick case). As greg walston learnt me, you can love someone forever and live with this independent of your other teeth. You are a lifetime member of the club.

Independence Day. I never knew that it would be so impossible.



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