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I was going to put mauve in the title as well, but mauve isn't quite as innocuous as the others. Any influx of red and you have a bit of something.
Feeling a bit persecuted, and therefore every word I write is a bit of a pathos. As in - this isn't worthy either.
I am leaning on Mark heavily now. Last night, I watched tv by myself from seven until ... I do this very seldom as teevee watching is an indicator of my hopelessness. It was startling when I couldn't remember what I was watching last. Scanning between antiques roadshow, gastineau girls, seinfeld, simpsons, some seriel killer thing blah de fuckity blah. "one tree hill" was also in there. It triggered a feeling, but I'm at the point where I don't give a shit.
Last night, I lay in mark's bed (stealing another night from reality) wondering what the hell I'm alive for. I tried to think how stupid others would think that was - how below my potential I am and how amazing and magical and wonderful I am. How intelligent - how cute - how funny. I feel lazy, stupid, old, defeated, lonely, and yawing landmines ahead.
It is what you use to make yourself feel guilty. In a way even this nothing and complaining seems to be letting people down. I find that odd.
I am only interested in people. It has been the only thing in my life I've ever cared about really - people and what motivates them. Were I to receive a legacy, I would go to the most amazing college that had a therapy program and perhaps do massage therapy certification on the side.
I look for the motivations in people by using myself as a template. This would be a scientific abstraction of what I do and what my passions are. I have found that love is really all it is. You love yourself, you get a kid, you love your kid, you love your creativity, you create shit. You love your cool things you do. You love your pets. You fill your life.
Sorry, I don't know any saints. We're all lost and looking for it.
Go ahead and attack this one. I suppose I'm a big huge grand controversy who does nothing but fuck shit up and try to get people to feel sorry for her and uses ... fuck it.
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