I - of course - feel compelled by the power of christ within me to write you.
Today is my last day of 33.
Ah you decide for me. I'm too flabbergasted and fucked up to say.
No direction known.
Sometimes I feel I do indeed have the tiger by the tail and everything's coming up roses. Sometimes, I feel like I've wet my pants.
Irregardless, I'm as alone as I was last year around this time.
Last year, I was in Wilmington - babysitting karen's pad whilst she was whisked away to celebrate her divorce. Well, if you would call it celebrate - perhaps mark it would be more proper.
She didn't even realize she was giving me a present. Ah what a present. Walking down the streets of my lovely haunted wilmington and smoking pot and listening to my newly received (thanks mark) ipod with every cd in the collection (thanks mark). It was with friends and wine and love.
This year, I've had a bit of a catastrophe. I'm rather alone (sob sob), and I am used to this. I am often alone. Could it be true that I'm a selfish bitch of a person who fucks over every friend? Oh maybe.
Aspects and facets.
I choose to focus on the negative often.
However, as papa said, you head in the direction you look.
I have been in love this year. I have lost love this year. I have been delirously happy. I have wanted to die. I have seen hope for the future. I have seen check-out matron of 40 with wrinkles and bills.
I have thought of nothing but me for ages. I likely will continue to do so.
I am talking to you.
I have seen the splits and the choices and the 'who your real friends' thing. I have seen love and miracles and a golden path.
It's war all the time.
I will write something commerical this year. I will share my words with others.
Please forgive me for all of the wrongs I have done any of you - all of the hurts. Let's begin again.
It is my last day of 33. I am somber, but I have danced today. I am alone, and I am accustomed to being alone.
I love so many of you more than I can say. I am quite ashamed to admit how important even you unstoked masses are (I have an email box too however - snarl snarl).
Humans fascinate me.
I fascinate myself.
34 seems like an old thing. As greg says, "it ain't early 30's. It's MID-30's".
The new scares me. So much of the old falls away, and I wonder why.
I've got the r,k,k,m,k crowd. Love you. I'll have j again. I have a lovely secret.
It all scares me. I am OK with fear.
This seems silly, but it's all I've got. I'll send it on, and it will likely be posted after my retarded birthday. No matter.
Birthdays are big to me. I use them as markers.
So much lost. (that big full life I had with mark and all of you. It is sooo very vexing that I couldn't make it jive. I wanted to.)