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My lover has pointed out something of which I was aware, but his having noticed it - brings it more significance.
I am diffuse.
I look at people as mere archetypes / types / levels / categories / flavoring particles. I judge. I decree.
I do this to distance all intimacy from me.
If you are a type, you can't hurt me.
Typing can't hurt me. Two days ago, I was wretchedly in pain (emotionally), and I reach for the keyboard –typing as fast as my fingers will go – about the pain.
And I ‘publish' it to strangers. This is sick?
And I am most honest with ‘everyone' – the black hole – you my ether reader.
And yet, I will negate this honesty when called upon it by a fleshed human. I would rail and say it's all a façade – a character. .. all of this when it's in my own best interest.
Know this.
I am beginning to think it may not be madness to think that I control my entire world. I may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater on that one. I can think whatever I want. I can do whatever action I want. As the French Ron so eloquently said when I was in shambled distress wondering what ‘the others' thought of me.... "who cares what they think of you? Why do you care".
Why indeed.
200sex. I shall use you greatly. Don't leave me this feeling that my own skin is worth something – that I can be a valid human – that I can integrate – that I can be who I really am. I realize that many will hold me to the opinion that I had yesterday, and I will be enslaved in that, but I don't want to be unworthy. I want to be free and fey and dance in sun and darkness – always dancing (until I don't).
Not enough people are asking me my new year's resolution:
To be more vain and narscisstic
Crazy and funny.
Intimate and standoffish.
I'm a swinger, and I regret the pain that's caused to any of you. I shall try and answer my phone more often. Email and words tire me currently...
New Years. I truly do love them. (they are powerful to me because I make them that way.)
Is this art or shit or are you even reading (that answer would be apathy)?
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