The battle could be won in just one more parry. The unknowable future.
As I was leaving my shrink's last night (I think shrink is a nice word as I use her to shrink my boils and goiters), she made me breath. I had cried during the session and thought I would be judged and helled at. She seemed to be doing so, and then I realized - yet again - that it was me. It was about boundaries, hurting people, not being strong, addiction to love, medication and the whole onerous bipolar thing. Egads. I'm as sensitive about it as a coke addict - It's MY problem I roar and clutch its bloody body to my chest and stroke it.
Anyhoo, so I'm leaving her house - feeling a bit less euphoric than last time - but very glad she is there for me... glad she is helping me heal and see things in a certain way. She has cats that sit on my lap every time. I drink hot tea.
She told me a secret: that most people have a safe place inside of them where they can feel whole and calm. She says that I have not built that place - no one has shown me.
I like her. I consider her a teacher. She told me that she thought I was amazing, and she would be happy to tell me that all the time - every session - but that I must embody it... believe it. I sighed and smiled wanly. It's very brave to face many of the things she brings up for me. I feel quite guilty for being broken.
I have been crying a great deal lately - deep sobbing wretched crying jags. I had thought I was going manic, but I got tapped rather hard, and I am back in line now. It's rather easy to catch in the kindling stages. Jesus, I don't know.
I have been crying because so much that I didn't perceive before has been put before me. My lover is very clear and cruel and understanding. He is so very smart and intelligent and educated that it intimidates me.
I have been crying because I don't acknowledge myself. I cried one night because I was writing adjectives about positive attributes for me. I had been thinking I was so terrible and so fucking angry at myself for messing up and not being real and being fake and letting it escalate and how horrible and stupid I was for not being able to fix it and that I ruined something I loved and I was so messed up that I didn't even know if it was love - I don't even let people near me, and while I'm grateful for the knowledge, the necessary distance from what I want was like a baby with a toy and oh god I love you...apologies to all..the archetype thing you see...
So, I was flailing and wanted to write something nice about myself. I started:
I think I am sweet caring
.... and then I started crying - just bawling - because I immediately wanted to write something bad about myself - " but i am a monster"
Does this make any sense?
It's 4:20 on January 5th. The Santa Ana's are blowing.... It's warm and I've got Dr. Ho in my bag.