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Jump.
Is it normal to be mad when you jump? to leap and do the whole gamut - tears, joy, sex, masturbation, life, entreaty, excess.
(Do you think of Teddy and the empty cement pool on the ship in the middle of the sea?)
So, I hop out. I have a napsack worth of things. Every time I leave my home lately - it's been with a sigh and a pat. I am alone. I read my books. I am likely mad.
Spinning in my own thoughts of mistakes and missteps and missunderstandings. Is it true? Is my truth flawed and therefore I canna have it?
I head to the sea and that's what I see. Today it was aqua and light light blue. I couldn't see the oil tankers in the distance today - but I hardly know if I looked. I'm in a funk.
Where am I? Did I jump and now I'm crawling up the cliff again? or was it a traume and I never jumped. Have I ever jumped.
Only I can tell you, and I never tell you everything. I can't. I would try. I would splay my entire soul before your body to examine. I want to be thoroughly examined.
but loved. always loved.
Light and dark. grapple.
There is a black cloud over my head today. Will it dissipate? godwilling.
Love. Fools go alone? What is necessary for me? I am mortally confused.
Retreat and Entreat. My fangers are heavy and this morning is in me. Is there a lifeline?
Fools close eyes and jump. Fools are mad. So many words, and yet within that place of which I learned. So much of what I want.
I will shower tonight. Even this, I have an urge to erase.
Jump.
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