So, I'm listening to dinosaur, jr. (one of the pinch hitters on the 'beebee and billie' playlist) half a block from the pacific ocean in this new apartment that I have rented.
It's the one I thought got away, but it didn't.
The bathroom has a proper vanity with proper lights. I haven't seen my face in a while - clearly seen it. I have wrinkles that crinkle my eye. My forehead is pore-ish. I'm getting older in a visible way. I am trying to just think - ah well. My northern skin is thin, and I will age quickly.
Ah well, not that important unless I want to charm people with my looks and false youth.
I've been on the phone all evening. I was looking in the mirrors behind the bookshelf most of the time - at my eyes (due to the postion on the shelf and my height). I determined to not move my eyes so much. Why - sigh - have i always had to be so expressive!
I don't know how it could be possible. (I had a rather traumatic weekend and last night and have just fucking AVOIDED listening to my voicemail messages for fear that the boss called me while I sat at the hovel on good friday and read 'the day after tomorrow' all the way through until 9:30pm. Oddly, I liked it.) I don't know how it could be possible, but currently - I think it will be lovely and kind.
Greg is nice. Mark is hitting a sort of rock bottom (and that's sort of good in that he's soon to come up). I love them both of course. They would be my best overt friends. My lover is still something I won't talk about with you (go ahead, nash your teeth in vexed frustration).
I understand that I am someone who has long been afraid of someone seeing me (oh, you would THINK this would be impossible given ...) and loving me (original father thing) and very afraid of myself and being a roarer, but fuck it dude, let's roll.
(that sounds very flippant, I am really quite awed at the magnitude of how much one incident can shape your entire tools and strategems.)
Thank you elizahome. When I set up the computer in the new place, your internet connection was offered to me, and I gratefully accepted. You rock to live next to, and now I can be connected to the world away from the connotations of the niner to fiver.
(Jane McGraw, for some reason, I am thinking of you and how beautiful you are and how beaming.)
My loves, tonight I love you with the purity of my heart and hope such wonderful things for each of you (my god, if you can believe it, I've even prayed for the happiness of evan and johanna's boychilde, and I hardly know them at all).
In a word or two this means all of you, and especially you my love.