Recently I wrote a piece about Carrie Fisher's dramatic reading at the Barnes and Noble in Santa Monica. In order to help the reader understand the deep impact Princess Leia (as portrayed by Ms Fisher in the Star Wars trilogy) had on the development of my young brain, I presented the 15 things I learned from Princess Leia.
Once again, as encore, here they are. . .
Fifteen things I learned from Princess Leia.
1. Always back up my work. (She puts the plans to the Death Star in the memory systems of R2D2, thus setting off the chain of events of the first Star Wars movie)
2. Never wear your hair like it's a pair of earmuffs. It looks stupid in any galaxy.
3. Never wear white in a garbage chute.
4. Never threaten to kiss a wookiee.
5. Guys are turned on if you tell them your hands are dirty.
6. Threepio's offswitch is at the back of his neck.
7. Just cause a guy gives you nice clothes and says ‘you truly belong with us among the clouds', DON'T TRUST HIM.
8. If you tell him you love him and he says ‘I know', you two definitely have something there.
9. If you dress like a bounty hunter, you'll probably make it into Jabba's palace. If you wear a gold bikini, you'll probably get to stay for the after party.
10. Share your cookies, and the ewoks will be your friends.
11. Brunettes can get laid.
12. If he says ‘I love you', just tell him you know.
13. If he kisses you like he's your brother, he probably is.
14. ‘Hold me' works.
15. The boyfriend will buy the brother excuse every time.
Because I believe in giving equal time to handsome space smugglers and because I enjoy reflecting on the wit and wisdom of Han Solo. . .ahhhhh. . .where was I. . .oh yeah.
Here are 21 Things I Learned from Han Solo
1. The Millennium Falcon is the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
2. It's okay if you have to shoot someone in the Mos Eisley cantina. Just tip the bartender a little extra. . .for the mess.
3. Something may not look like much, but it still will got it when it counts---especially if you've made a lot of special modifications yourself.
4. Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops.
5. It ain't wise to upset a wookiee.
6. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.
7. If you fly from one end of the galaxy to the other, you'll see a lot of strange stuff.
8. If no mystical field controls your destiny, then it's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
9. Good against remotes is one thing. Good against the living. That's something else.
10. If you're in it for the money, make sure that you're well-paid.
11. Don't let the kid get all the credit and take all the reward.
12. The guts of a tauntaun smell bad, but it will keep you warm.
13. It's worse to be called ‘scruffy-looking' than to be called a ‘nerfherder'.
14. Imperial star destroyers dump their garbage before going into hyperspace.
15. If you get encased in a block of carbonite, you will be temporarily blind when you get out of it.
16. When you're out of it for a little while, some people might get delusions of grandeur.
17. If you wanna fly casual, you should keep your distance but don't look like you're keeping your distance.
18. If you're sneaking up on someone in the forest, don't step on a stick.
19. If ewoks want to cook you for dinner, you could delay the action by blowing on their burning sticks.
20. If you're trying to break into an Imperial bunker, just put on an Imperial helmet, tell them your side is losing, and they will open the back door for you.