Inspired and slightly turned on (play clip 212 again baby, oh yeah) by the Jon Stewart smackdown of Jim Cramer last week, Wendall Jennings, head of the Sunshine Jen News Network (SJNN) has decided to launch a brand new Financial News Network to be called SJMMMMN (or Sunshine Jen Money Money Money Money Network also known as S-Jammmmin in interoffice memos).
Unlike the other Financial News networks which cater to people with money looking to score in the market, SJMMMMN seeks an audience of those without money. Wendall Jennings believes this is a largely untapped (although slightly tapped out) market for potential advertisers.
Yesterday, in the basement of SJNN Headquarters, Wendall Jennings revealed the first line-up of shows for SJMMMMN. All in attendance were most impressed with Jennings’ presentation which utilized power point, finger puppets, and body paint.
The first show in the magical eight o’clock prime time slot will be SEXY MONEY. How does the value of a lap dance in Vegas compare to the value of a lap dance in Atlantic City? What is the current street value of a blow job? Are you getting the most cocaine for your dollar or is it better to pay in euros? SEXY MONEY will explore the markets of two very important commodities---sex and drugs. In addition to hookers and cocaine, SEXY MONEY’s very hot news teams will also explore the latest innovations in the sex toy field and how to get the most spank from your favorite dominatrix. In a segment called Dope, a reporter named Spectrum will cover stories important to potheads like how to get decent munchies with your last five dollars and what to do when your favorite bong breaks. Putting SEXY MONEY up against established shows like Mad Money, Larry King Live, and The E True Hollywood Story might seem like a gamble, but Wendall Jennings is sure he has a hit on his hands.
Following SEXY MONEY in the primetime lineup will be BIG MONEY for the viewer who has begged and borrowed and now wants to steal. BIG MONEY takes the viewer into the real and fictional worlds of multi-million dollar bank and jewel heists. The viewer will learn how to navigate a room full of laser wires and how to transport a million dollars in gold (it’s very heavy). How did Oceans 11, 12, and 13 really happen? And is Switzerland really best for your hidden assets?
GRIN AND WEAR IT will be the network’s fashion show because one can never have too many fashion shows on a Financial News Network. On GRIN AND WEAR IT, low end stylists show the viewer how to put together fashionable outfits on the cheap. Did you know that you could take a plastic bag, throw your wallet in it, and suddenly, you have a hand bag? And because you are recycling a plastic bag, you’re saving the earth too. It’s like so green, it gives me chills.
Other shows in the pipeline including BARTERING WEEK, a Sunday morning show about transactions that don’t involve money; NO CREDIT NO CRIME, an arts and crafts show where the projects are all made out of maxed-out, no-good credit cards; UNTITLED MUSIC SHOW, where major rock bands have their instruments taken away and are given a budget of twenty bucks to make new ones---Coldplay has signed on for the pilot. Finally there will be a literary roundtable show called DERIVATIVES TRADING in which literary types sit around and swap obscure references from their favorite books in a hip post-modern discourse.
Wendall Jennings hopes SJMMMMN really takes off, so he can retire from the media business to a horse farm on the island of Guam. It’s his dream. Everyday, he visualizes it. He knows he’ll get there. He’s read The Secret.