The status I have achieved as The New King of Pop is official and permanent, now that it is in print and you are reading its declaration. Due to the heightened state of controversy this is sure to generate, I am prepared to answer any possible future questions regarding my new status, saving you the bother of calling me at home or dropping by unannounced to ask them.
The main reason I have decided to take on this responsibility is this: It is time I have a title which will be known throughout the land, and recorded in the historical register of the world, secretly hidden away from people like you. No doubt good, honest people in your own right – but please, let us not lose focus. Also, the recent exploits of one Michael Jackson (now officially referred to as The Old, or Former, King of Pop) do not adhere to the quality and standards that this office holds.
And now to clear up a few misconceptions that routinely plague this office.
1. The New King of Pop must be a pop star in his own right.
Obviously not true, as I am not a pop star.
2. The New King of Pop must be able to sing – at least be able to carry a note.
No. I do sing from time to time. But, the quality and frequency of this singing is really none of your business. Do I listen to you sing and then judge you? No I do not.
3. The New King of Pop must be friendly with Elizabeth Taylor.
I think you know where this is going. While I have never had the pleasure of meeting Elizabeth "Liz" Taylor, I have seen several of her movies and consider her a close personal friend. Even, I might add, if she is not aware of my new status or my existence on this planet.
4. The New King of Pop (me) must keep up public appearances, charities and such and such.
As I am realizing my co-status as The New King of Pop and my ever-growing agoraphobia, my appearances in wide-open fields, parking lots, or any out-of-doors venues will be limited indeed, and I will surely disguise myself if I do. On the note of charity – I consider myself quite a charitable person and I fully expect this to continue into my new life.
5. TNKoP holds some sort of mystical power over pop music and can guide its direction.
I'm not going to lie to you here. Most of pop music sucks, and I won't be bothered with it. Every now and again I hear a catchy tune, but this is a rarity. The next obvious question begs, "How can you be The New King of Pop when you don't even really like pop music?" That is a good question. The answer to that question lies within you. Spend some time with you, I say. When you figure out what it is, well, there you go.
My first directive as TNKoP will be to start the interview process for naming The New King of Rock-n-Roll. A title as mighty as this surely deserves a warm human body, and not the memory of a drug addled sweaty has been with a serious bowel obstruction. We need someone we can cuddle up next to when the nights are cold, for times when cuddling is appropriate and necessary. I never quite got the whole Elvis craze. I suppose you could argue that he was sexy. And sexy men and women who also sing to us, they just plain melt your heart don't they?
I am a victim too. We stand together here. Unless of course you stand too close, because that kind of freaks me out. This is a good moment to segue into other things that cause The New King of Pop anxiety or may give him cause to "bitch out". Dogs. Specifically those which bark in enclosed spaces, such as but not limited to: basements, garages, cars or small cardboard boxes.
Physical description of TNKoP:
Unnervingly handsome, to the point of distraction. More akin to Richard M. Nixon from profile than not. Once, while casting a glance toward a female of the species, I noticed the person I was gazing upon had suddenly and quite obviously wet her pants. Certainly a huge turn-on once I realized how powerful one must be to control the flow of another's urine. Let us not forget also that a girl urinating on herself follows the very basic rules of attraction. Often seen with a red knit cap in cooler climes and no red knit cap during the warmer summer days. Wears trendy black plastic glasses complete with metal thingies on the sides that are brand spanking new, after the old pair broke into 2 pieces, perfect mirror images of one another. Would appreciate light banter on how nice the new specs look. Take care to avoid discussion of the old glasses and maybe how did they happen to break into 2 pieces.
I'd like to thank you all for your support and patience during this difficult transition period. I welcome you to call on me in your darkest hour. Also, the first woman to slap me in the face (open-handed, no rings) during the year 2003 will enjoy my company for the holidays, ready to wow your family with witty conversation and suspicious glances aimed at your aunts, uncles, cousins and the like.
I fully expect that a lot of you will have trouble coming to terms with my new status. To you, I have just one thing to say: There are a lot of things in this gloried world that not all of us are entirely thrilled about, yet they do not cease to be true. Like say for instance all of you, myself included, who voted for that other guy for President, the one who's previous career is now over. We might not like the fact that we got the loser as our new leader, or that now we are happy to confirm his status as a warmonger – but, this does not change the outcome of the situation. I welcome you all, the disgruntled, to think of your own offices to invade and make your own. Just stay away from the office of The New King of Pop for the next twenty years, and stay away from my house for at least as long.