Methods for getting published by McSweeney's Online Accumulation (and an explanation of each, in lay terms)
**Important end note included at the end.
1. Have a knack for writing funny stuff down on paper, or with the aid of electrons.
(Funny stuff, written in pen or pencil, or typed using an electronic word-processor or computer is just the type of thing that will see the light of day, electronically speaking.)
2. Become a person who is "in bed" with a staff member of the aforementioned Accumulation.
(Refers to someone who is sleeping with someone who works behind the scenes at McSweeney's. The term "in bed" is usually reserved to point out the occurrence of sexual activity.)
3. Write lists of seemingly related items which either contradict one another or are on the surface related, but under scrutiny whose relation is more opposite in nature than not.
(Lists of things which are seemingly related yet contradictory are inherently funny. See #1.)
4. Avoid witticisms and sarcastic remarks about the staff, family of staff and professional nature of said Interest.
(Do not anger the staff of McSweeney's by writing funny things about them personally, their families or the way they operate their business.)
5. Dave Eggers likes to have a good time, if you know what I mean.
(Dave Eggers likes to have a good time. If you don't get the meaning of this, there is not one thing I can do for you.)
6. Make comments for a famous person, particularly if they are related to the literary world. Make the comments out-of-character and shocking, but not too shocking.
(Use a famous person as a portal for your witty comments and observations. Make the comments funny by having the famous person say things that they would never say in public or to another human being. But do not go too far, i.e., do not try and gross people out in the name of comedy. However, remember that funny is funny, regardless of the possible sensitive nature of the content or topic.)
7. Include well-placed dialogue in your submission between sports heroes of yesteryear and world leaders of today.
8. Have your name legally changed to Dan Kennedy right after you kidnap the real Dan Kennedy. Submit stuff.
(Submit writing samples under the pseudonym of Dan Kennedy, after having relieved Dan Kennedy from any new writing duties he may have had his heart set on.)
9. Work hard, keep your head high, submit through the tough years, and take a drink each and every time you are turned down.
(Be diligent in your passion for writing, hoping one day it will stop going unnoticed, and become noticed, and summarily published, making you famous to about 5000 people, and the talk of dinner parties for a whole season, say for instance, Winter 2002/2003. When this fails to work, just like everything else you have tried to boost your self-esteem, like that pottery class, turn to the bottle for understanding. The bottle knows and will listen.)
10. Become a happy and well-balanced person, whose sole purpose in life is to write amusing stories for the internet savvy reader, or savant.
** I of course gave the McSweeney's gang first right of refusal, and in the total absence of McSweeney's email and phone calls I have received since submitting it, I am taking as a refusal, and in about 5 minutes as an act of Internet War. Let the record show the gauntlet has been thrown. Or, I have slapped them in the face with it and then threw it to the ground. I always forget how that whole thing goes.