Never one to take a standard career path--in fact, I did just about everything I could to ensure I had no skills so I could do nothing but write--but somehow stumbled into a solid position in a large corporation. However, it's not satisfying, and let this be a lesson to you kids out there. Follow your dream, even if you're not very good at it, because earning a decent living at a cushy job you don't care for is soul sucking. Now that I'm a father, a homeowner, and wear a suede jacket from Banana Republic and a pair of Merrell shoes, it's time I finally gave squandering my desires, ambition, dignity, and the family fortune on a real career some thought.
Go to law school you say? Well, as much as I like to hold up my pants with suspenders, I'm not gonna fall for that diploma-mill scam, plus I already sign my name John Ball, Esquire, so what do I need the degree for? A certificate in Home Heating Technology you suggest? Well, that surely is a growth industry--this oil & gas shortage-laden winter especially--but no, it just doesn't sing "do me!" to me.
Here's some ideas for my career move. (And before you add "Underwear Inspector," I already thought of that. While it is appealing, I'm not sure I'd be able to sustain my professional objectivity.)
1. World's Foremost Expert on Something (really my number one choice. It would have to be something of interest to at least a small number of people, unlike the current subjects I am already the world's foremost expert on. Never mind what, as you would not pay to hear about them, I promise.)
2. Crony (very popular in today's political climate.)
3. Jack-Booted Thug (I'm not sure what jack-booted means, but it has a ring to it, and there seem to be a lot of them out there intimidating and torturing.)
4. Gigoloper (like a gigolo, but also trespasses on private property.)
5. Oil-Rich Saudi Royal (there are so many already, it's a glutted market, but the large amount of time they spend riding roller coasters at Disney theme parks appeals to me. Plus they own a huge chunk of America, so I may as well get in while the gettin's good, as we say at Disney.)
6. Wonk (I just love saying this. WONK. I would do this just to answer people when they ask me what I do. WONK I'd answer. WONK WONK WONK.)
7. Pinja (It seems everyone nowadays is a pirate or a ninja. Although I may not want to get in such a competitive market, some indicators say we're still in the early days of this industry. I would combine the two jobs to enhance my value.)
8. Supreme Court Justice (I'm not very good at rash, political decisions, and am too easily swayed by rational arguments. I do however look fetching in long robes.)
9. Vishnu, Destroyer of Worlds (while many of the above careers may have similar achievements, well, this job requires a great amount of responsibility. In my current position, I rarely have to attend meetings, so as long as that remained true, I think I'd be happy.)