I just keep on thinking of that Bruce Coville book quote from My Teacher Flunked the Planet where it says
"They expected nothing, and so it was no surprise when nothing was what they got."
I just got my paycheck and it is ridiculously teensy. The Tribune hasn't paid me for my cartooning yet, and they owe me for 2 weeks on this paycheck. This is infuriating.
I'm trying to not expect anything, but hope is the most counterproductive feeling to that. I keep on hoping that everything will be okay, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and instead I just feel like I'm a pain in everyone's ass and that the rescue team won't arrive in time to save me from losing it.
I try, and try, and try.
I hate feeling this way.
I've made a little list that I keep in my brain of "Things I Wish I could Do Someday when I have enough Money"
>pay off my cingular debt >pay all the parking tickets and fix BF's car registration and fix his car really nicely >GO ON a VACATION somewhere...anywhere, at this point. Someplace warm would be nice, but that's not the object, the object is knowing that I can pay the rent while not having to worry about school and work and still take a week off and go and relax and have fun just for the helluvit and see if I *can* still relax... >Get new shoes: my skecher sneakers are looking rather beat up due to all the ice demelter. I wear my shoes hard. >Get presents for people who really deserve them >Get a new backpack; the strap on my right side is all busted-looking, luckily i haven't had to duct tape it yet >Buy a Happy Robot t-shirt for me and BF >just relax: i really want to, so much. it's like i'm holding my breath in all the time.
I also feel like I am too loud. I am cooped up all day at work and school surrounded by people who, for the vast majority of them, ignore me like I'm a phantome. So when I do see people that I like, I try to talk to them but I'm making up for lost time so I end up coming off like some hyperactive Ben Gunn wannabe who's been marooned on an island for a leetle bit too long.