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post #198
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bio: victoria


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i am not a drama queen. or am i?
Tuesday, July 19, 2005

› by victoria

things i am trying to figure out about myself (and yes, anything I post would be anticlimactic and feeble-looking compared to the immensely intense post in "Hello from Iraq" today--the return of someone, safe, from a war, is so far above other things as to incomperable to basically anything else):

i don't think i like drama. or seek it out. i do enjoy it on television programs: however, when I watch THE OC, it's not like it directly affects my life. Marissa, Seth, Summer et al don't have any direct effect on me. I like to think that I am naturally a mellow person. Somehow this belief is being shattered. I still think I am mellow, or was an easy-going, relaxed person, at least when I was younger.

Side note: I find it very interesting that nicotine is a highly effective treatment for ADHD/ADD. Biff has said that he believes that I may have ADHD, in that I'm prone to jumping from topic-to-topic "popcorn style" and I have a tendency to do too much at once, to speak too fast, and to be unable to sit down and relax. I say that perhaps this is the case, but perhaps all these symptoms are also due to the fact that I need to be able to just relax, and I'm scared to do that, at least at this point in my life.

anyways, am I a drama queen? do I deliberately seek out drama, simply because i grew up marinated in it, breathing it, and swimming around in a gigantic pool of it? the italian side of my family, my mother's side, adores having "discussions" in which they sit around late at night and let built-up deposits of drama strike out like lightning across the round table as they drink coffee. my dad's side of my family--besides being mostly extinct--doesn't believe in maintaining relationships, really, let alone pursuing them to the point of drama. Although I know they are curious about the bizarre dramatic things in my family's life, because when my younger sister got married, my dad's niece just had to come and visit...

is being a drama queen bad? am I inordinately selfish? I know that i like it when things go my way, but being the middle child, i have had to learn that i would only get my way by being a diplomat. But still, I am questioning myself.

am i even a good person?
do others even like relating to me?
why do I get nervous and scared and talk too much?

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