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The 30 Hottttest things you can say to a naked woman
I have always wondered if there is a Cosmopolitan for men, and it looks like Men's Health fits the bill. As you know, Cosmo is great for lists of things to turn on your man or make him commit - things that are either so absurdly self-evident or nauseatingly contrived, it is hard not to read it as parody.

But reading the men's version of these lists, Kiff and I could not stop laughing. It was like a how-to list for retarded soap opera actors with control issues:

Here is an outtake from the list:
1. (Say) "Good Morning" (!!!!!)
2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"
8. Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito.(italics mine)
9. Her name - her full name - followed by "wow"
14. I love your [fill in body part here]
15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't makea sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger at her lips.
21. Any use of the word hot, especially "you're so hot"
22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."
28. Playful Laughter.
29. Don't ever leave me.

I have to say that #15 would actually scare me. And the thought of forced, playful laughter followed by "don't ever leave me" was something out of an Owen Wilson film. You can't make this shit up.

The best part of this was how it got me to stop thinking about the spectre of Stephen Harper as PM that has been preoccupying me of late. Then I imagined Harper as the guy in the list. And then I lost my appetite.

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