The Management would like to apologize for the article that was previously published in this place, entitled "How to Get the Bikini Body You Deserve."
Due to lax standards necessitated by extreme cuts in our editing and fact-checking departments, we neglected to recognize until significantly after publication that most of the "tips and tricks" recommended by the writer to be used in obtaining a bikini body are illegal in all 50 states and most territories.
Our house council would prefer that we not use the words "false imprisonment" or "conspiracy to commit aggravated kidnapping" or "illegally transporting a minor across state lines for sexual purposes" in the absence of a conviction as such by law enforcement but morally we feel we must be straight with you, our valued and faithful readers, and admit that the "tips and tricks" and other techniques advocated by our now-former employee in his article "How to Get the Bikini Body You Deserve," may very well rise to that level. They are certainly immoral and appalling, and for that, we apologize unreservedly.
Moreover--and let's just be straight with you here--we rather suspect, irregardless, that you do not deserve a "Bikini Body."
Our deepest apologies to our readers, our advertisers, and all members of the law enforcement community, The Editors