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"Why did you have to ruin everything by being so heavy? I liked you. You were fun. I don't come across many birds like you." He took a sip from his ESB beer at the lauded Globe bar in Athens. He glanced at her.
She smiled tiredly, "oh Leon, could I not say the same? why did you have to ruin everything by being so flippant - so shallow? I loved you. I was turned on by you. I meet people like you once a decade if that... and yes, I do always kind of flood it out. I'm trying so hard to be better. Maybe next time." She raised her Guinness to the back of the bar - not to him.
She was too shy of him.
She was loving this moment - the cool Globe with its pretension and mural. It hurt too. It was the site of their first date. It was loaded. She was always prepared to not get what she wanted, but she had to taste this one more time. She was so thrilled he came - and shocked. He must have been bored.
--
They had agreed to meet after she texted him
"hey, I'm in town. Drink a peace beer with me?"
Her underarms had gotten sweaty with the anxiety. It sucked to care. She looked at her new tattoo "not yet" on her hand and laughed at the futility of it all.
He of course had ignored it for twenty hours then wrote back,
"maybe. how long are you here?"
In all honesty, she would have stayed until Christmas and damned all expense if it had meant breathing the same air as him. But of course she could never tell him that. He was already a skittering buck.
She made herself wait two hours before she responded - took a long walk, a bath, and put the alarm on her phone to not be too greedy:
"I'll be at the Globe at 4. It would be fabulous to see you. If not, I definitely understand." She had rewritten the text eight times - running it by the robot.
She had decided to ride back in town on her elephant of shame in style. She was staying at the Atheneum - a southern mansion that was the most expensive hotel in town. Fuck it. This was already costing her, what's a little money.
As she was walking to the Globe - passing her ghosts along the way. She tasted a few honeysuckles from the lush vines that spilled onto the sidewalk. She thought of course about all the hopes she had had.
She had wanted to play catch every week. She had wanted a playmate. She had wanted to watch the Russian version of "War and Peace" with him. She had wanted to be bored, to cook. She had wanted to see stand up comedy. She had wanted to feel his hand on the small of her back. She had wanted to trust that he felt lucky to be in her realm. She had wanted.
Too bad, she had a shit dad and a wounded mom. Oh well.
It had fucked her up to love him, and she went way all in.
She wasn't sure if she had screwed whatever they had all by herself, but she spent about six months in deep intensive isolation and self-analysis. It wasn't too hard. She didn't know a soul in the land where she was born. She just continued to be alone in a different way - without seeking anyone. It had been
hard
as
shit.
She passed her old dorm room before she made the turn towards downtown. She was meandering. She wondered if he'd even show up. She made herself doubt he would so it wouldn't hurt so much. She had a new journal now and would be prepared to write all about her inner thoughts to the one person who cared.
She was tempted to say 'Nobody' or 'god', but she guessed it was her.
She opened the door and nearly hyperventilated. She was afraid to look around, but luckily, it wasn't too crowded. It was summer after all. She was sweating.
This was trying. It was backtracking. She felt like a dork having any hope. She sat at the bar in the same place they'd sat twice before and braved a glance. He wasn't there of course.
She opened her dark yellow journal and wrote the date, "July 23rd". She loved it because it was the same date as her favorite film "Le Feu Follet - the Fire Within". Well, she had planned it that way. Why not. She ordered a Guinness because it was poetic.
Everything mattered so much. Oh, there he was.
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