First, may I apologize to the academy. I know my work has not been to standard this awards fiscal period, but I appreciate that I am participating in this great game.
What the fuck ever.
I don't even read my columns/comments anymore, firstly because there really aren't any, and secondly because it's blah as a dirt spa. I still need to write to your ass though. Hello your ass.
I know I'm not as inspired as the others in my playgroup, and I know I shouldn't compare as that leads to jealousy and that leads to a sin that god makes you gasp by the throat for.
Yesterday, as I was walking up the blood splattered steps of my building (some dude or chick must have cut one of their appendages), I started sobbing. You know it - the ole big ones. I am a drama cryer as much as I am a dramamaker. It goes eh? I make this keening sound when I cry. If it's a long session, I'm often prone to stroking myself on the shoulders or arm (no, masturbating is not something I often do while crying - go cipher).
This one was a short session. I didn't want to upset mark, and I had to go see Jane before she went on her trip, so I cut it short. I decided to hit the 'pause' button yet again on my big 'getting an apartment' adventure. Quelle dork. It is really strange how calm I feel when I am thinking of getting an apartment and how panicked on the streets of venice I feel when said landlord says 'sign the lease missy'.
Leaving mark makes me freak. However, every apartment scare makes it more real. I'm a girl who always hits the snooze button - always. Mark and I talk more real. Last night HE even admitted that HE is more dependent than loverlike. My trade was that I admitted that were there another man/light/hope, I would be as sweet as butter to mark but be off like a shot.
That's the monster folks.
Fabulous, as always, talking to jane. She seems much more serious now, but still very zesty and alive. It's always a tonic when I go over and see her. Sometimes I can't believe my luck. What would I do without her? So much has improved in the time I have known her. Bizarre.
Today is thursday. I'm sitting in an office with a wine headache - blowing off my job whilst the boss is on an errand. I'm flummoxed with stuff, and I'm taking a break.
I realized yesterday when I checked my bank balance for the first time in a month or two - that I have been in a rich woman's mindset. Perhaps part of the panic is that once I get an apartment, I will be in the paycheck to paycheck ramen noodles mode. Hello Victoria! I realized that lately I haven't even thought about money. I knew I had enough. I buy whatever I want when i want it. I blew through $1000 bucks on nothing in the last three weeks. - nothing. I wish I had bought some clothes. I am out of many things. Where did it go? Mark points out that I will soon be attentive again.
Truly, I have been on a bit of a holiday of the last two years. When I was sad last night, I complained to mark that I didn't even have time to go in a room and think on it and be by myself and cry because I had to go to sleep because I had to go to work and I had to get up...
So see, I'm a fucky.
This has been about nothing and boring and I tricked you into reading it.
Oh, I forgot to tell you that when I go into water, it's more half and half (whether I jump in or go in gradually). Of course I would RATHER I not hit snooze and always jump in.
Stories I'm telling you (just long-winded trapped audience boring ones)