Ah, I just mailed a bill (for the cellphone which I lost when I was on the beach at 4am on a Monday night/Tuesday morning)... Bye bye money. I put the stamp on upside down and thought: will sprint think this is anti-american subversiveness?
When I spoke of willpower, what I was really referring to is that it's torture to not write him. It's torture to wait and hope and think how stupid you are for even clinging to this vapour of a whiff of a hook. Has the fish died and is rotting in the cellar? They say that's the smelliest corpse - a fish. I've never smelt a dead body, so I don't know. I would think it would be the letting go of excrement that would be the smelly part in that case. By the by, does shit smell better if you are a vegan/raw foods person? When I was going to be a teacher, I was going to have my classes take a field trip to the waste treatment plant. It's important to know.
The things from the bowels.
I think I feel things in my bowels (most overused words by me - in order: I, feel, think, find).
Two nights alone and non-panicky in the new place and I think I'm a fucking valkyrie. Oh my kindern, it's only because I've got a faint whiff of a feint hope of a hand and a pull and a sternum to sternum grappling.
I consulted the oracles again last night. I shan't be ashamed to tell you. What did you do? watch tv? I asked about him while 88.9 was playing on the radio. I put stock in it. The answers I gave myself? Integrate your inside outside. Integrate everything. Have diamond consciousness and concentrate on that (QofC, Art, AofS)... Grow out of possessiveness and obsession. Love wholly and break patterns of decisive destructive emotional action (PofC)... Don't dawdle. Be here NOW (8ofW)... Him? Cut the mask. Stop the bullshit - older women influential (QofS), Cut the moodiness. Lift out and grow - younger women influential (PofS)... Love at the base of it - equal love, healthy love (2ofC)... The end result? Balance and contract and justice and clarity (Justice)...
I think my guilt has abated a bit. What could I deny? It's all been said by mark. It's all been accepted as true by me. It is what it is (credit to Tex the plumber who first introduced me to the phrase). You might as well do what you want/say what you want as you're going to do it eventually anyway (credit to shirley the manager of mike and I at the golden pantry on alps road in athens, ga).
Shirley is my new neighbor. She has lived in the building for 23 years. It is a one-room apartment. I don't think she works. Her rent must be $400 bucks or something.
I walk and I write.
I read (currently "Tropic of Capricorn" by h. miller - savoringly).