I've picked her up again. I still have not finished "tropic of capricorn". Mostly for the same reasons as with her. They are both such plotless writers. Busily spewing the whole essence and all saying "I was here" so loudly and intricately.
There is a photo of me on the front porch in north carolina reading 'incest'. Two years older and still the same old fuckiness. What a fool. In many ways, I blame her for what transpired. She made me think I could fuck and love and create and nothing would be bad about any of it. Much like vonnegut, it was bizarre to see my thoughts shared.
She pisses me off a lot now. I still love her of course, but we are too alike and I am warned. I see that people hate her and would hate me in much the same way. She pisses me off like seeing a drug addict of a friend would piss me off.
But bah. We're all our own characters. I am just embarrassed and hope I haven't yet again done nothing original.
Again, I'm plagued with the whisper - the same one I have with jane: at least she gets to fuck - to try it out - to go there. I demand it as an entrance fee, and I'm going to be old and alone with that demand.
Today, I was randy. My husband estrange was on the sofa. It would have been quite easy to satisfy a need. So easy. But false. With a margin of error, I am 100% faithful to my emotions when the ole in out - in out is concerned. Not that I would so flatter myself about my reception. Just a thought.
Woke up to a dream - one like the ones I dream from time to time. (hearing people's dreams is such a bore - but not as boring as work stories). Gray and abandoned and people drifting away and rejecting me and it all being non-dramatic - just apathetic rejection and me alone and misunderstood. This one ended with me in a pool. Well, I tried to go back to sleep to dream out of it and got the pool visualization instead. It was a gray empty cracked gymnasium pool. I tried to visualize flowers and light, and sure I saw it.
Haunting. I think I'm much more fucked up by my past and father and isolation and rejection and moving all the time and giving and being cold and who is this...
Long, long, long by the beatles is on my ipod. I don't know if I've ever heard it consciously before.
It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you? When I loved you, it took a long long long time. I'm so happy I found you. How I love you. So many tears I was searching. So many tears I was wasting. Oh oh. Now I can see you - be you. Can I ever misplace you? How I want you. Oh I love you. You know that I need you. Oh I love you.
Alone on Saturday. The wine is gone. The PBR is untapped.