I would taste like wine and cigarettes if you kissed me right now. I would taste of a faint of the residual almonds and chocolate I've imbibed.
I am using you currently as my black hole therapist.
I have to tell you this because so much of what I do is facade and illusion and a constant effort to 'be gay'.
The cliff is so hard to jump off of. the stage is so hard to walk on to. the drive away to college is so separating. The bed so lonely. The touchstone gone. The sea swam further than land the cliff. Land cast out of sight. All of these firsts.
I have realized I have always been a fraud. I have collected people desparately, lovingly, graspingly to be my benevolent hole filler. I choose lovers based on my thrall and need and comfort and control and respect. I am not a real person. I am wounded. I am bleeding and I am sucking the blood from my lovers for the transfusion of energy.
I must have ways of magic and glory to be able to hold a man to my wound with such sway and success? You ask that?
No, my friend. Each man/woman has a wound.
Talking around it again. Preaching to you.
Hedgeing that this is the hardest most fearful abyss I've ever stradled. I've seen it coming a while, but now is the day it's here. The black hole... those days that you think will never come, but do (birthday, wedding day, end of school, etc.)... I am petrified and wonder what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. Do I think I'm young and original? No, I have always been around older people (as I've earlier mentioned) - my entire life. I could be a cassandra to you.
The secret? (the tom waits song "that feel" is all totally true).
So my solution? I will try and find youth and love. I want to hang around people who are younger than me and less afraid and still creative. - much I would assume parents have children to discover: namely, the "important things in life".
I'm scared shitless. What the fuck am I going to do? Live the life of a single woman until I'm old forty working as a grocery clerk on the side?
I feel the quickening. I am surrounded by all who see the trip ahead of me.
I've got to jump.
How long will I put it off? a bit further. I could never just do anything with no training period.