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XBox: The Interview

On Black Friday, a woman in California pepper sprayed several fellow Wal Mart customers in order to get an Xbox. She paid for the Xbox and left the store. Later she turned herself into police.

I could not interview the Xbox in question; however, I was able to meet with the Xbox at Bill and Ted’s house down the street. After showing up with a case of Tecates, I was able to meet privately with their Xbox.

Q: Xbox, how are you doing after the pepper spray incident?

X: It’s been rough. Folks have been staring at me. Fortunately, my two dorks have been supportive. They spent eighteen hours yesterday playing Elder Scrolls on me. That made me feel all warm inside.

Q: Do you view yourself as a toy? Is it okay to call you a toy?

X: Please do. I am a toy and proud of it. Play with me. I exist to be played with.

Q: On Black Friday. . .

X: I’m a victim too!

Q: You can’t be a victim. You’re a machine.

X: I was undervalued.

Q: So were the customers who were shopping in an unsafe environment.

X: Why are you humans so emotional about shopping?

Q: Wait, I need to ask the questions

X: You humans want and want and think things will make you happy. Things will not make you happy. I was built to entertain you. Okay, maybe also distract you from the issues of the day. But you can’t love me. I won’t love you back. Besides, I’ll be obsolete in two years.

At this point, Bill came in, let out a big Tecate burp, and said he wanted to play Call of Duty. He said I could stay and watch him play if I wanted. I graciously declined saying I had books to read. I left him with his Xbox and walked out into Cali sunshine. It was such a lovely day that I decided to go to the beach.

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