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post #28
bio: jen
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9/10/2004
19:21

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Potential Catastrophic Worldwide Doom
Last week, the Republican National Convention was held in Midtown Manhattan with heightened security. Reading the accounts of convention security from afar, I was fascinated by the enormity of it all. Was all that security there to protect the Republicans from the New Yorkers or the New Yorkers from the Republicans? Either way, I was bummed to learn of all the business closings around the Garden because the Republican delegates didn't get a chance to experience true New York experiences like running out to the deli to get a coffee that's not Venti.

Wondering if LA took any security precautions (in order not to feel left out, we are always left out of everything out here), I wandered over to the Chinese Theatre where tourists took pictures under the watchful eye of several superheroes. I can not emphasize enough how important it is for tourists to be able to pictures of handprints in the sidewalk safely. Fortunately, there are superheroes milling around the front of the Chinese Theatre to protect them.

I recently spoke with a Stormtrooper with the hope of getting a grunt perspective on the sidewalk safety situation. . .and to possibly try out my Jedi mind trick. The Stormtrooper stood casually holding his pulse laser rifle ready to fire at whatever rebel scum might cross his path. He had been a Stormtrooper for five months and had seen plenty of action on Hollywood Boulevard. He spoke in a casual, world weary manner about his hopes, dreams, and what his week was like.

"It's been a pretty average week." He said as he watched a toddler fall on his butt on Sherry Lansing‘s Walk of Fame star.

"On Monday, a killer asteroid was on a collision course with earth, but Superman and Wonder Woman went up and took care of the situation. They diverted that bastard right into the sun to save the earth from certain doom."

"That's amazing. Why didn't we hear about that?" I asked.

"Oh they don't do it for publicity. Besides, they kind of have a thing going and want to avoid scrutiny from the media."

"Superman and Wonder Woman are a couple?"

"You didn't hear it from me, and whatever you do, DON'T TELL BATMAN."

"What about Robin?"

"Robin's cool. I hang with Robin a lot. We pounded them back on Monday night and then Tuesday, we were a little the worse for wear when a criminal mastermind bent on world destruction escaped from a maximum security prison. Fortunately, Batman, Elmo, and Dorothy tracked him down and brought him back to justice."

"Excuse me, Dorothy?"

"Dorothy Gale from Kansas."

"She's a super hero?"

"Of course, and her little dog too. They kick ass."

"Wow"

"Then on Wednesday, well Wednesday was the usual alien invasion."

"Usual?"

"Yeah. They invade the solar system pretty regularly. So they're hanging around Saturn, and we had to launch our rocket ship."

"You guys have a rocket ship???"

"Of course, so we go to Saturn, have a conversation, and that's that."

"Think they'll come back?"

"Sure, but we'll be ready. Then Thursday, we had our support group meeting, and Friday was pretty mellow. Most people had left for the holiday weekend. A few tourists tripped over Clint Eastwood's handprint, but they were fine." He said.

Suddenly, a four-year old screamed "Duck! Duck! Duck!" while jumping up and down in the Donald Duck footprint. The Stormtrooper braced for action while Elmo ran over to the child.

"It's just a baby!" Elmo shouted.

"Roger That. Just a baby." The Stormtrooper said.

"So any problems with protesters?" I asked.

"Nah. We just deal with tourists and potential catastrophic worldwide doom."

"Sounds like a lot. What has been the hardest time for you on the job?"

"Oh that would be the ripple in the space/time continuum."

"Really? What happened?"

"Everything happened twice, but we knew it and didn't know it at the same time."

"Really? What happened?"

"Everything happened twice, but we knew it and didn't know it at the same time."

"Wow. That was wild."

"Yeah. Makes the head spin. When the girl from NPR interviewed me, she started seeing double."

"Wait, you were interviewed by NPR?"

"Yep. Yesterday."

"Damn. They beat me again."

"Sorry."

As I walked away from the Stormtrooper and under the huge banner for the Ten Commandments musical that read ‘Val Kilmer IS Moses', I felt a profound sense of calm and safety. Meeting the super heroes at the Chinese Theatre and hearing their stories, I realized that the only ones who can protect us from ourselves are ourselves, so we can all be heroes---just for one day. Or something like that.


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