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Beware of Mammals

On the front page of today's New York Times, there was an article about activist groups being monitored by the FBI. Some of these groups included PETA, Greenpeace, and the Catholic Workers' Group.

Such monitoring comes as little surprise to the Sunshine Jen Intelligence Bureau (or SJIB or Jibbers as they like to be called). The Jibbers have been conducting an investigation into the Mammalia Class of animals and believe that many Mammals pose a threat to the culture and way of life of the United States.

The Jibbers do not have conclusive evidence as of yet and are quite busy connecting all the dots and finishing their holiday shopping. However, the head Jibber, Cornelius Han Jobber, was willing to go on the record with a few key points to illustrate how the Mammals have been working and to make everyone very very afraid.

‘The whales are at the center of the whole organization. They've been mad at us for over 150 years ever since the publication of Moby Dick.' Cornelius said as he showed me a blurry photo of a humpback whale.

‘We believe this is their leader. We've also been monitoring several killer whales who are high up in the organization. We think Shamu might be involved somehow too.'

‘Wait, Shamu at Sea World?'

‘Yessss, so far he's clean, but lately he seems to enjoy splashing the first five rows of people who see his show.'

‘So how does the Mammalia organization work exactly?'

‘Well, it's your pretty typical secret organization made up of cells able to work independently but with a pretty complex chain of communication. Sometimes the animals are able to communicate right under our noses, but we're starting to learn what it all means.'

‘How are they able to communicate right under our noses?'

‘It can be as simple as two dogs meeting in the park and sniffing each other's rear ends. They're communicating. Or a dog and cat hiss and bark at each other, but they're really passing messages. Apparently, the squirrels make really good couriers because they can move from yard to yard.'

‘And what about the rats?'

‘Many people fear rats and bats as well, so we believe they are used in a decoy capacity. We don't know if they've gotten the snakes and spiders on board as well.'

‘And what about farms with a lot of animals like pigs, sheep, cows?'

‘Yep, they're in on it too. Right in the heart of the American heartland. Let me tell you, they're active and they're dangerous. Especially the cows. They are fed up with all the prejudice against them---being called lazy, being tipped. They give so much milk and what do they get? Muddy grass.'

‘And what about birds, fish, insects, other classes of animals?'

‘Right now, it seems to only be the mammals. We have come across a few suspicious cockroaches and there was a sparrow in New Hampshire we're keeping an eye on, but there's nothing conclusive.'

‘And any links to Iraq?'

‘No, but we're still looking.'

‘And why are you going public with all this information?'

Cornelius leaned forward in his chair and looked me straight in the eye. His voice took on extra gravity.

‘It's important. It's important that people know that their beloved beagle could pose a threat to their way of life. That big fat lazy cat that doesn't do anything except eat mushy food and use the litter box, that cat could be the ring leader of a secret sleeper cell. Fear your pets. They could take you out at anytime.'

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