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post #185
bio: jen
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7/3/2006
13:26

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Our New Science Section


We at the Sunshine Jen News Bureau wish to apologize to our readers for not working to our high journalistic standards and not being as entertaining as we could be.

When the Sunshine Jen News Bureau was founded in 1925, we had two goals: find the best recipe for bathtub gin and make ‘em laugh, make ‘em laugh, make ‘em laugh. When prohibition was repealed on April 7, 1933, we shifted our priorities to the second goal.

Through the years, we have strived to bring you amusing trivia that really matters. When Baker and Miss Able, the first American monkeys in space, flew their historic flight, millions watched in awe, but only the Sunshine Jen News Bureau got an exclusive interview with Gordo, the monkey astronaut lost in the South Atlantic.

For the past twenty-five years, we've been there for very major cultural event of trivial significance. We sat in the Mezzanine for Shogun: The Musical on Broadway. We did in-depth analysis of Stacey Q's hit single, Two of Hearts. We were even at the fist midnight screening of Dick Tracy.

Unfortunately, lately, we've been suffocated by big media monopolizing the trivial while upgrading the mundane to newsworthy. The final straw was the story about Star Jones Reynolds resigning/quitting/being fired from the daytime talk show, The View. We had ignored the story. After all, it was daytime television, and we had some standards of triviality. Yet, when we saw the major media leap on the story like a horny male toad into a nest of toadettes, we realized it was time to reevaluate.

Our editorial board went on a five day retreat to the Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood. They spent five days drinking soda out of ice filled glasses and eating shrimp appetizers. At the end of five days, they had nothing. They had no new ideas. They had failed.

Realizing that nothing would be accomplished hiding out in a hotel room, the editorial board ventured out into the world to look for answers. Finding none on the sidewalk, they went to the movies.

The answer came in the summer hit action movie, An Inconvenient Truth. In the third act of the film, the President-In-Exile points out that the science of Global Warming is only contested in mainstream magazines. In scientific peer-reviewed journals, there is not even one article saying that Global Warming does not exist. In mainstream media, at least half of the articles on Global Warming dispute it.

Learning this fact, the gears in the brains of the Editorial Board started to turn, and thus the Sunshine Jen News Bureau Science Section was born (or evolved). The goal of the Science Section is explore science and seek out alternative explanations.

Today, we are pleased to give you a preview of some of the articles in Our New Science Section:

Gravity! Is it real or is it a worldwide conspiracy involving a lot of sticky tape? Whoever controls the gravity controls the world. Follow us into archeological dig sites in caves around the world. Do cave paintings in Australia and France tell us the story of gravity? Could ancient tribes have possessed the sticky tape long before the invention of plastic? What does sticky tape mean for our future and future generations?

Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth. Our scientists and Disney scientists face off on the great American debate. Plus, our stunt journalist, Toby Flint, spends fourteen days at Disneyland. Is he happier for it?

Twinkies are good for you. They're sweet. They're yellow cake filled with cream. They're happy food. What's not to love? New research suggests that a Twinkie a day could be good for you.

Wookiees are real. However, the Ewoks were made up.

Finally, we are pleased to include the official Sunshine Jen News Bureau recipe for bathtub gin which was found in the back of a locked filing cabinet by one of our interns who was immediately promoted to Chief Finder of Stuff.


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