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Give Me The Treatment

Hello, Jen here. My uncle, Jon, recently wrote a very funny piece in response to those Oxygen Channel movies with the woman who are wronged (so very wronged) and the men who are wounded (so very wounded), and he let me post it up here.

So here's Jon:

"Give me the Treatment"
A Generic Screenplay for Oxygen Channel Movies

Scene: A handsome, well-dressed, middle-aged man, Ian, is talking to his wife, Becka, an attractive woman in her mid 40s. They are in the living room.

Ian: Becka, I'd do anything to keep you. I love you deeply.

Becka: I don't think I can ever forgive you, Ian. You slept with my best friend. Then you slept with my best friend's daughter. You slept with every woman in your office. You even slept with our marriage counselor.

Ian: I'm so sorry, Becka. You know it was just my midlife crisis. You're the only one for me.

Becka: No, Ian. It's too late for that.

Scene: It is several months later. Becka is in a busy office that looks like a political campaign headquarters. Phones are ringing and posters cover the walls. Bruce, a handsome younger man is standing next to Becka.

Becka: Bruce, during the time we've worked together on the Campaign to Institute the Death Penalty for Unfaithful Husbands I've come to see you as a valued friend. I just don't know that I'm ready to get into another relationship.

Bruce: Becka, I know you need time, but I love you and I'll wait forever.

Becka: Oh, Bruce. You're such a darling.

Scene: Becka is walking down a city street. She is being pursued by a man dressed like a vagrant.

Man: Please lady, just a couple bucks. You can spare it.

Becka: [Turns to see the man and recognizes him instantly] Ian! What happened to you?

Ian: Becka! Oh, God! [He looks down in humiliation and speaks softly]. When you left me I fell apart. I lost my job. I started drinking. I started taking heroin and cocaine. I got hooked on cough medicine.

Becka: Oh, Ian. [She hands him a few dollars].

Ian: Thanks, Becka. You still look great. How about a quickie?

Becka: Oh, Ian.

Scene: The office again. Bruce is talking to Becka.

Bruce: So you're seeing your ex-husband?

Becka: He needs my help, Bruce.

Bruce: I still love you, Becka.

Becka: I need to know, Bruce. Is that you following me everywhere, calling me late at night and hanging up, going through my mail?

Bruce looks down abashedly, but says nothing.

Scene: Months later Becka is seated at Dr. Adler's desk in his book-lined office. He is a handsome, middle-aged man with a thoughtful, sensitive look.

Dr. A: He's making a lot of progress here at the Laura Bush Rehab center. You must be pleased.

Becka: I'm so happy for him, doctor, but it's your new treatment program that's helped him.

Dr. A: Yes, Becka. There are too many lost souls out their like Ian. They need our help, But, Becka, I can't seem to help myself.

Becka: Why is that, doctor?

Dr. A: Because I've fallen in love with you.

Becka: Oh, doctor!

Scene: Dr. Adler and Becka are walking down the aisle in a beautiful wedding chapel. They take their vows. The camera pans to the audience where Ian is seated next to Bruce.

Ian: I still love her, Bruce.

Bruce: So do I, Ian.

Ian: But I've grown now. All I care about is her happiness, and I can see this is what she needs. I'll just have to learn to live with that. By the way, I'm glad they let you come to the wedding. Are you getting any help in the Freddy Kruger Center for Stalkers?

Bruce: Yes, Ian. I'm feeling lots better now.

[They both daub tears from their cheeks as Becka and Dr. Adler kiss]

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