Now that I'm in my mid thirties, I have realized that there are two categories of women: women who've given birth and women who have not given birth. I am most definitely in the not given birth group. I'm not even in the about to give birth sub-category, so fear not, I have not joined the fertile hord.
I came up with these two categories last weekend at a baby shower when I looked around and realized how much some women can talk about babies and the whole birth process. I mean, they just go on and on, and the whole thing sounds really quite gross and painful and even worse than the Alien movies. It was a little too labor intensive for my taste. I cracked crude jokes and got another beer.
Fortunately, this was not your ordinary baby shower. Guys were invited, and there were tacos, a beer keg, and a frozen margarita machine which broke down halfway through the afternoon. There was also really good cake which went well with the beer.
As I sat in the expecting parents' backyard on top of a hill with a view of the Pacific, I wondered if I had walked into the American Dream or if a camera crew was going to jump out from behind the hedge and shout ‘gotcha Jen!' There was a Jacuzzi in the backyard of a three bedroom house (master bedroom, baby room with painted beach mural, and husband's home office with giant surf photo). There was a flat screen TV on the wall and furniture that matched. Friends and family were running through the house and the backyard as little toddlers climbed up and down the patio steps. Older kids, coked up on sugar, ran around and through islands of adults having conversations about their kids.
Was this the big It? Was this as good as it gets? Was this a celebration of new life and hope for the future? Or was there something else going on? Was it a point in time where one could measure one's life against others? Was it the last big hurrah for the parents before months of no sleep? Or was it just a way for the new parents to get all the stuff they need for little one?
As I looked at the piles and piles of gifts on the living room couch, I realized that everyone who came had brought a gift. How much stuff does a little baby need? I mean, we're in California, can't it just run around naked for a few months?
Then my mind began to scheme. Is there any other way for a girl to get a lot of cute things without doing the whole baby thing or the whole wedding thing? It's pretty darn unfair if you ask me. Why are we rewarding those who are contributing to the planet's overpopulation? Why not reward those who don't?
So when the little bundle of snot grows up and faces a world overflowing with plastic stuff, will the Little It ask us, why did you all bring so much crap to my baby shower? Or will the Little It just plug into the latest electronic device and tune all of us out? Oh yes, the future looks bright and plastic.