English children in the late 19th century, instead of yelling out 'trick-or-treat', would yell the then familiar phrase, 'give us your coal love or we burn your bloody house down.' To make it extra creepy, say the line in a cockney accent. All of those children are dead now.
Two
Some people are bad and put razors into apples and battery acid on delicious candy bars for children to eat, apparently in the hopes of destroying their little perfect teeth and gums. This probably only happened one time and then the media got a hold of it, and all of a sudden, the kids are at the church parking lot instead of on the dark streets where they belong. They even carry flashlights and have adult supervision now. Another holiday ruined by the media.
Three
As dentists have long suspected, too much candy will rot your teeth out of your face. People with rotted or missing teeth are scary looking. So are people who have had laryngeal cancer and use that throat microphone thing to talk with. If that's not an advertisement for not smoking, I don't know what is.
Four
Children who trick or treat and then go buy cigarettes and then later on, eat all of their candy while smoking cigarettes are in for some serious health problems later in life.
Five
Wet leaves carelessly left on the sidewalk can be a hazard. One minute you're holding a bag of candy and then you're on your back with a concussion and all of your "friends" are shoving your hard-earned candy into their pillowcases. And then someone pulls your pants down so that you will be hard pressed to chase them. Chasing people with a concussion is bad enough. Doing it with your pants around your ankles is just plain impossible.
Six
666 is the number of the beast. If a friend wants to shave the number into your skull or burn it onto your skin, you should let them. Good friends are hard to come by.
Seven
Fleas on rats are the cause of the bubonic plague. Who do you blame, the flea or the rat? Oddly enough, the plague took its first victim on 10-31-1347 and the last on 10-31-1352.
Eight
The hit song, The Monster Mash is a Halloween favorite for obvious reasons.
Nine
I just got an advertisement for a piece of equipment that I don't really need, but, if I buy it, I get a free iPod. And I get this two days before when? Halloween? I'll be using taxpayer money from a grant to buy this equipment. Thank you all for contributing to my new iPod.
Ten
The scariest movie of all time would be The Amityville Horror. The Silence of the Lambs is semi-scary, but once that guy puts his scrotum in between his legs and pulls on his nipple rings, and tells himself what he would do to himself, it becomes pseudo erotica. For the record, there are no nipple rings or scrotal tucks in The Amityville Horror. It's a good clean scary movie the whole family can enjoy.
Eleven
That whole war in Iraq business was a bit of a sham. And the fact that we invaded them on Halloween just added insult to injury.
Twelve
John Kerry has a big, long face. I voted for him anyway.
Thirteen
Often thought an unlucky number, 13 gets its roots from the numbers 12 and 1. But nobody ever talks about 12 and 1, just 13. It's bullshit is what it is.
