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This won't be pretty or elegant. It's a cathartic rant.
To a pissant.
Fuck you to high heaven you lonely fucking douchebag.
How fucking dare you treat me like some smelly piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe while you look to see if there are better pastures while lying down in mine and letting me feed you beloved biscuits.
You're a turd yourself. I'm not going to say that I'm some awesome perfect person. Fuck no. I bet I could list my shortcomings with the precision of a master, while you dabble in "she's intense, insecure, needy, boring." God knows you would never tell me (anything), but you're probably the type who thinks their only flaw is "I notice too much and am too smart and discerning".
Well, fuck that noise you tyrant. How does it feel to go through women thinking "oh none of them can compare to Kirstin but I guess I'll entertain this latest one with some of my wit"?
how does it actually feel? I'm so curious. I've spent something like 42 days doing nothing but digesting and researching and wondering how the fuck you function. At first I was jealous of you. We're both equally lonely. I thought your version of it was so much better - filled with all these walls, and fortresses while dancing with sycophants who pasted their cubes with photos of you so you could relive the sins of your own father's fan club.
Well fuck you.
fuck you and the sanctimonious horse you cantered in on. You don't get to have any real estate in my heart anymore. I may be sitting here lonely, doubting every nuance of my existence, tearing my hair out because my daddy and mommy were fucked up narcissists who never loved or wanted me, but at least
I
fucking
feel
you however, you're stuck in your bullshit trivia games.
Guess what? I'm also good at trivia, but you never knew because you never shut your fucking mouth talking about yourself all the time. When I uttered a word about anything I thought or felt, you just paused and continued. How fucking stupid of me to accept it because I felt sorry for you because your cunt of a mother abandoned you. Welcome to the cunt mother club dipshit.
and my favorite part? well one of them, you thought I was a fucking conservative stupid libertarian. I laughed at that one. I don't give a shit about anything but making sure that we are a socialist society and we all depend on each other - and the environment and the courts and voting and tax systems matter. You took what I said, and didn't even bother listening to me. Was it so fucking scary to ask me what I meant? did you get scared that you might care about me if you delved at all.
And you know what? oh I love love love saying this because it means so much to me as a sexually abused daughter. YOU WERE THE WORST FUCKING LOVER I EVER HAD BESIDES THE TWO RAPISTS. And yes, I still hate that I got raped by two men who thought they were god's gift to the world because I could only say 'no don't' and didn't have the balls to go GET THE FUCK OFF ME and get away.
but I digress.
beautifully.
you asshole.
I loved how I thought you would eventually - oh wait - I forgot to tell you - you were so shitty in bed I thought you too must have been sexually abused and I gave you the benefit of the doubt that perhaps you needed to go slow. Even that one time when you TRIED to touch my glory dot, it was my urethra. You're 57 years old. It's embarrassing to be that amateur.
and when I asked to cuddle you and you said "For how long", I should have fucking run out the door, but no. I thought "oh let's just give him a little more time. He'll loosen up. He's better when he's drunk".
And even though you stopped giving me tongue, you sucked as a kisser even before that. It's called surrender baby, and it makes making love exquisite, but you'll never know.
I mean I did enjoy your forthright confidence in grabbing for me and telling me - never with words - that you wanted me - but fuck - can we really build a country on such a thing.
And your smug resting bitch face that I thought was so confident and cool? well it can fuck off. you're a douchebag. You use sensitive women and fetish-ize cunts. It was so exhausting to have to try and read every non-communicative nuance when you really just wanted to say "I'm not that into you."
What I want now is to wipe you off of my palate.
Lesson fucking learned (and thanks).
I now will not give myself to someone who is the smartest most clever UNLESS they actually have proven they have an Inch of integrity.
I loved when I asked if you were interested in long term relationships "definitely!" and if we were exclusive "I'm not seeing anyone but you."
and you were a fucking liar.
I love that about you. it makes it so much easier to wipe the shit that you were off of my soul. You reminded me of my father - how's that for you AND my fucking mother. You fit into my wounds like a glove your grandmother made into my gorgeous hand.
It was so poetic when yesterday I simpered into the room we "made love" in and looked for any trace of you - a hair - a used Zyn wad - and looked under the bed and saw a dead upside down cockroach.
I was a fool to love you.
now I'm wiser.
live long and don't prosper asshole. I hope you enjoyed breaking my heart and laughing it up inside while I bled for you.
I'm not bleeding anymore.
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