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She had achieved what she wanted to achieve. The twenty pounds gained helped her to not feel attractive - to give a reason.
The reason that he left - the reason he was never there.
But she was was lying to herself.
He was just a bit player in the larger pantheon. She could write it 1028 times, and circle the drain, and it would still say the same
thing.
Now, the thing was to stop it.
She wasn't going to use other people to distract her
besides, she was super picky about people and sometimes felt
even lonelier with them than by herself. (hello marriage #2)
That made it harder of course. So much easier to just distract.
She looked forward to Wordle every day, but it only lasted a short while.
Drinking had become incredibly boring, but it was super effective in killing time.
Writing
Writing
Writing
The mockingbird seemed to be building a nest. She had seen some stuff in its mouth, and it climbed to the top of the bush and guarded.
She was used to being alone. For fuck's sake.
The cool thing was realizing she wasn't any shittier than anyone else.
She just - ha just! -thought too fucking much. The only way to turn it off was to
wait, how do you turn it off?
she only knew that writing was ridiculous. she didn't say anything new at all,
but it saved her from feeling like no one ever cared.
it felt like giving birth to
a rock.
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