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Seven Monologues Inspired by the LACMA Rock

LACMA (aka Los Angeles County Museum of Art) is currently transporting a huge rock from a quarry in Riverside County to Wilshire Boulevard where it will be installed as an art piece called Levitated Mass. I believe the rock will be the mass which is levitated.

You can read more about this magic rock here.

I was inspired this undertaking. I find it amazing that after thousands of years of civilization, we still get our kicks by moving rocks around. Here are seven monologues inspired by the rock.

Monologue 1:

ROCK: Nooooo. Don’t move me. I was happy in the quarry with the other rocks. I had a good thing going with a pile of dirt. Why are you moving me? I’m heavy for a reason. What reason? Ohhh I don’t know, maybe so I won’t be moved. Put me back! Put me back!

Monologue 2:

Excerpts from a lecture by Dr. Dashus Beebop entitled “Religious Artifacts from the Los Angeles Excavation” delivered at the National Geographic Society on February 31, 4057.

DR. BEEBOP: There are many theories about the rock. We’ve ruled out any possible film connection although we did find mention of both a film called The Rock and an actor who was temporarily called The Rock. Neither had any connection to this particular rock. The film was set in San Francisco, and the Rock actor changed his name. I think we can assume that this rock was the center of a alter for a cult which worshipped it. However, its placement near the La Brea tarpits makes one wonder if such geological worship had more than one form.

Monologue 3:

The lizard smashed under the tires of the slow moving truck.

LIZARD: Air. . .heavy. . .

Monologue 4:

A female fan runs up to the Rock with her friend.

FEMALE FAN: Oh! My! God! It’s the rock! Quick take my picture! Take my picture! Take my picture! Oh! My! God! It’s so big. . .and hard! I mean of course, it’s hard. It’s a rock! But it’s like a hot rock! I can’t believe I’m standing next to the rock! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod!

The Female Fan proceeds to vomit on the rock.

Monologue 5:

Matthew Crawley from Season Two of Downton Abbey.

MATTHEW: I propose a toast. To the rock. Like me, the rock can not walk or produce an heir.

LADY MARY: I am so so sorry.

MATTHEW: Stay away from me. I am a rock! I am not what I was in those happy carefree days of Season One. Wait, what’s the wiggly feeling? Wait! I can stand! I can walk! Cousin Mary, will you marry me?

Monologue 6:

The Rock wins an Oscar.

ROCK: I come from a quarry in Riverside. I never thought I would be here. I’d like to thank the academy, my agent. I would like to dedicate this to all the rocks back in the quarry. Our day will come.

Monologue 7:

The traffic light which the slow moving truck must pass in the middle of the night.

TRAFFIC LIGHT: It’s green. You can go. Okay, you’re going. Slowly. Okay, you’re still going. Yep, there you go. Okay, still in the intersection. No, don’t speed up. Just go through the intersection. Just keep going. There you go. Go. . .go. . .go. . .go

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