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post #103
bio: jen

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that week

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Oh Mandy
When the Lights Go Out
Think Of Something Beautiful
Exercise Video for Robots
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I Wanna Be Sunshine Jen

I think Paris Hilton gets a bum rap sometimes. She gets criticized for representing an ideal that so few will ever achieve with her never-ending partying and all that shallow fashion stuff.

What's so wrong with the never-ending party? If she lives only to enjoy life, then more power to her. Party for the rest of us, Paris! We're with you in spirit.

Besides, apparently, Paris has her own problems with her size 11 feet and her phone book and sex tape going public. I wonder which one is more personal---the phone book or the sex tape? Why do the rich and famous make sex tapes anyway? Haven't they figured out that the tapes will become public in a very embarrassing way? Is it such a turn-on to have a camcorder running while making love? Personally, I would find it distracting. ‘Honey, could we turn a bit this way so the camera can get my good side'. But then again, I am not rich and famous. But I digress.

Mama Hilton is joining the fifteen months of Hilton fame. She hosts a new reality TV show called I Want to Be A Hilton in which each contestant learns how to be upper class. Naturally, the contestants will fuck up, so in each episode, a contestant gets eliminated and tossed off the island (aka Manhattan).

I caught this ‘reality competition' and was immediately pulled into its strange world. Will the guy who scoops cow shit for a living make the toast at a dinner with New York high society? Will the DMV clerk be able to coax her poodle through the maze? Should he or she be able to?

Aren't the upper classes not supposed to give away their secret handshakes and rituals? They're supposed to stay exclusive, right? Otherwise, everyone knows to be upper class, so there would be no upper class, but instead, a great socialist revolution. And aren't the upperclasses first against the firing squad wall when the revolution happens? Following this logic, Mama Hilton is not truly a member of the upper class but a revolutionary. Go Mama Hilton Go!

Although I'm cheering for the Hiltons' latest endeavor, I do not want to be a Hilton. I can only be myself, and that takes up a lot of time and energy.

But these wacky Hiltons got me to thinking. If there are people who want to be Hiltons, there must be people who want to be other people as well. I Want To Be a Hilton could be just the beginning. I want to be Tom, I want to be Mary, I want to be Sunshine Jen.

Ah-hah! I Wanna Be Sunshine Jen (I prefer the slang, Wanna). Ten contestants compete to be me.

In Episode One, the ten contestants divide into teams and play softball, volleyball, and basketball. The best player gets eliminated. After all, Jen is seriously uncoordinated especially in games requiring one to catch, throw or spike a ball. If you're good at ball games, you're out.

What do I say to the eliminated contestant? A catch phrase that's not too bitchy. Something like---go be yourself.

In Episode Two, the nine contestants plays Monopoly, Risk, Scrabble, and other board games. Because of Episode One, some them will probably wonder if they should play badly. In reality (and this is reality TV), they should play as diabolically as possible. They should defeat their opponents and laugh at them. Yes, I come from a long line of evil board game players, so the worst player of board games goesback to their pathetic miserable existence. HAHAHAHAH!

Episode Three. The remaining eight contestants are really confused. Does she want us to win or lose? Who exactly is this Sunshine Jen and what exactly does she want? To make things interesting, a hot tub will be introduced into their living conditions, so naturally the slutty girl and virgin boy can hook up in it. Now, that's good reality TV.

The challenge in Episode Three will not be very camera friendly. The contestants will have to read books, then answer questions about them. Because life is not fair, each contestant gets a different book. One contestant might be reading Green Eggs and Ham while another reads Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being while another reads Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Lowest score goes home.

Episode Four and seven contestants remain. I figure it's a good time to send them on a ten mile hike in the Santa Monica Mountains. Don't feel too sorry for them. There will be water stops along the way. Pity the camera crews that must follow them and record every bitch and whimper. In fact, out of respect for the camera crews, they get to decide who gets eliminated.

Episode Five will be movie trivia, but not just movie trivia. Movie trivia in swimsuits while drinking beer. Beer makes you smarter. It really does. And swimsuits, well, that's just shameless exploitation. Worst trivia score goes home. Bye, Bye.

In Episode Six, the five remaining contestants are locked in a room where they must write a ten minute play which they perform for an invited audience. After the performance, the contestants sit down with me and tell me who they think should be eliminated. Watch the venom and backstabbing as alliances are broken and egos are slammed. I then decide based on their comments. Oh yeah, there will be hugs. There will be tears.

Episode Seven. Put the remaining four contestants on a sailboat and hopefully none of them will drown. Actually, no, not drown, I wouldn't want to drown my reality show contestants. The contestants learn how to sail, then must sail the boat back to the dock on their own. There will be no engine on the boat but there will be four paddles. Again the contestants get to sit down and slam each other.

Episode Eight will be the two hour season finale. Three contestants remain but only one can be Sunshine Jen. Well actually, only I can be Sunshine Jen. But still there has to be a winner of various prizes and stuff.

Knowing that most people will just tune in for the last twenty minutes of the episode to find out who won, I will make the episode as thin as possible with a lot of ‘coming up after the commercial' clips along with a whole segment where the contestants look back on their fellow contestants and some of the fun experiences they had. Maybe I'll even throw in a montage with a nostalgic pop song.

Then the winner is announced. Hooray! Hooray! Tears! Hugs! Laughter! Clapping!

And the next day at work, everyone will talk about the winner and how amazing it all was, but then the winner will be forgotten by lunch as we all eagerly await a whole new reality show.

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