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post #114
bio: jen
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9/15/2005
15:58

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Victoria's Desert Island Handbag


Recently, Victoria from the Art Colony emptied the contents of her handbag onto the virtual robot table for all to see as she pondered whether she would be able to survive on a desert island with only her handbag.

This emptying of contents reminded me a lot of the scene in The Breakfast Club when Ally Sheedy dumped her handbag onto the table for all to see. After all, you never know when you may have to jam. Then in the end, she kisses Emilio Estevez in the parking lot. I hope it worked out for those two kids. I really do. Awww. John Hughes nostalgia.

But getting back to Victoria's handbag, I don't know if Victoria would survive on just her handbag, but I know that I probably would. After all, the first part of survival is optimism. I will make it. I will get through this.

Before I talk about how I would survive with Victoria's handbag, I need to set the scene and put myself into the situation.

‘Save yourself Sunshine Jen! Here! Take my handbag!' Victoria shouted to me as the boat started to sink. We had gone out on a three hour tour as part of a promotional party for Jamba Juice (love them boosters). Unfortunately, the weather started getting rough and not far from the equator, we hit an ice berg. Rotten luck, I say.

With her handbag in one hand and an inner tube in the other, I watched Victoria run back to Biff as Celine Dion blared over the loudspeaker.

‘Onnnnnnnce morrrrrrrre, you OOOpen the doorrrrrr' sang Celine. The scene was becoming way too Titanic for me, so I jumped over the side and plunged into the warm tropical waters.

After floating and drifting just long enough for my hair to get that salty matted look and my skin to turn a subtle shade of pink, I set down on an uncharted desert isle.

‘Land! Land! Oh yes! Yes!' I said as I crawled up onto the sand still holding Victoria's handbag.

But this piece is not about me. This piece is about the handbag.

Wasn't there a movie where a city girl was trapped on a desert island with Harrison Ford? Six Days, Seven Nights? Unfortunately, Harrison Ford is not on the island with me. With his carpentry skills, he probably could build me a split level two-bedroom with ocean views.

While rummaging through the handbag, I tried to remember my MacGyver episodes and wondered why Victoria didn't carry a Swiss army knife and a roll of duct tape.

16 spirit lights??? Didn't anyone tell her that smoking was bad? It will stunt your growth. That's what my Mom always said. Smoking will stunt your growth. She also said that too much soda, sugar cereal, and too many Twinkies would stunt my growth. Of course, I am thinking of all this while on a desert island.

The most useless thing for my immediate survival purposes would be the pepper spray. This stuff irritates the skin on contact. I don't want that. However, should a marauding cannibal attack me, I will be prepared. Perhaps I could become that strange witch who blows poisonous air at whoever comes near.

First of all, building the fire. This will be quite easy with the contents of Victoria's handbag. The matches and the lighters come in quite handy. I would probably use the lighter first and stash the matches in a plastic card holder. I am assuming there is drift wood and palm trees on the island, and I can stack the Kleenex and the coupons/receipts against the drift wood. The paper will burn quickly, but it should be long enough for the drift wood to catch.

Also, one of the base components of the lip glass and the lip mousse is wax which will burn hot, so pull it out of the container and watch it burn. Bye, bye lip gloss.

Also if the eye glass repair kit has a magnifying glass, that would be helpful for fire building too.

Next, shelter. I personally have to watch being out in the sun for too long, so I need shade especially during the sunniest part of the day. If there are no palm trees, I would have rig something out of the handbag itself. Otherwise, I could probably use the palm trees and build something off the ground. Probably lash something to the branches.

Food. I am surrounded by an ocean, so it has to be fish. Fortunately, I have Victoria's multiple key chains. I could drop a line (with the pony tail holders) and use the key chain charms as lures and the pins off the small novelty buttons as hooks. Should I catch something, the fish can easily be cleaned with her credit card, library card, kinkos card, etc. The hairbrush can also be used in this capacity. Also, the pen is a good multipurpose tool as well as the screwdriver in the eyeglass repair kid.

Am I the only one who doesn't think it's odd that Victoria has several key chains looped together for only two keys? What do our key chains say about us?

Water. I either could find a spring (that's so convenient when they find the spring on Survivor) or wait for it to rain. There's a great scene in 28 Days Later where one of the survivors has two dozen buckets out on his roof to catch the rain (which hasn't fallen in thirty days). Rig a rain catching device out of the handbag and the inner tube.

Hopefully the clarifying pressed powder will have some aloe in it in case I do end up out in the sun too long. The black eyeliner can be worn under the eyes to reduce glare, and I would look like a kick ass football player.

Finally, the compact mirror will be most important for a rescue. I could use it to signal passing ships.

Hopefully I will be rescued before I start smoking the spirit lights. However the papers wrapped around the cigarettes would enable me to keep a journal. It's important to keep journals during times as such as these. The film rights will be worth a pretty penny later on.



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