Thank you for flying with Patriot Airlines today. In accordance with Federal Regulations, we need to acquaint you with the safety features of this aircraft.
This aircraft is equipped with six exits: two in the front, two in the rear, and two over the wings. Take a moment to find the exit closest to you. Be aware the nearest exit might be behind you.
Seatbelts are to be worn at all times. If you are too large for your seatbelt, the flight attendant will be happy to provide you with an extension.
In the event of an emergency evacuation, a lighted strip will light up on the floor to direct you to this exit. Please note that this lighted strip contains no explosive components and should not be tampered with.
In the event of a water landing, there is an emergency life vest under each seat. Put the life vest over your head and blow on the tube to inflate. Should you be seen putting any other gas into your life vest, you will not be allowed to exit the sinking plane.
Should this cabin lose pressure or if the captain has to depressurize the cabin, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Put the cup over your nose and mouth and pull on the strips to tighten and breathe normally. The plastic bag will not inflate.
Since you gave up all liquids, creams, applesauce, and toiletries at security, this airline will be happy to replace them at a small charge after the flight. Just do not mix the mouthwash, toothpaste, and Smirnoff Vodka or you will be immediately ejected from the plane.
For the ladies. . .and gentlemen. . .who had to give up their lipsticks at security. We on the flight crew hear your pain. Fortunately, we have samples of many major brands and colors, so you can freshen up when we land. If we do not have your brand, we'll be happy to find a close alternative for you.
For those of you who absolutely must have bottled water, there is a therapist in the emergency exit row sitting right next to a homeland security agent.
Those of you reading books by non-American authors will be eyed with suspicion. Do not try to cover up your existentialist trash with a copy of US Weekly. We know what you're doing. We're watching you.
During this flight, absolutely no one may leave their seats for any reason. If you gotta pee, well then, you just gotta hold it. Fortunately, no liquids will be served during this flight.
Finally, please report immediately any suspicious behavior from your fellow passengers. The littlest thing could mean the difference between a comfortable flight and a nightmare of cataclysmic proportions.
Have a pleasant flight, but be afraid, be very afraid. We regard all of you with extreme suspicion as a potential threat to the security of the United States.
Today's flight will be five hours forty-five minutes. Now please join us in singing ‘God Bless America'.