When mowing a section of lawn which has grown long from weeks of mismanagement, pull the mower behind you instead of pushing it. This will keep the mower from bogging down and stalling. It has to do with the direction of blade rotation, you psycho fear spreading bomb dropping onto children who you claim to liberate right wing fascist go to church all day and force your Puritan ideals onto the populous, shop at supermarket hope you choke on the Wonder bread bolus.
Change the oil in the mower every season, and also sharpen the blade. Be careful not to cut your wrist on that dull piece of rusty metal as you apply the 224 ft*lbs of torque necessary to remove that nut. We wouldn't want any of your precious bloods to fall into the grass, catch a snail in the eye and make it into a giant evil snail with ideas of invading sovereign nations and taking over their natural resources. Although, we can all agree, that would be highly cool, a giant evil snail invading a country whose earth is rich with the juice of bones.
Don't use those leaf blower things either. They are highly annoying and basically what is wrong with this country. Oh, well, you might just love them then. Ever heard of a rake? Use your attenuated arm muscles to pull that rake back and forth over the land to collect the leaves instead of moving them around with a gas driven blower. And do it with a smile on your face. No one likes to see a grimacing Republican raking leaves. Pretend you are Martha Stewart. You Know she is right-wing. In fact, we happen to know that she has a whole section of her house in CT which is called The Right Wing. In it are wax figurines of past and current great conservatives. Such as: Reagan, Babs Bush, Johnny Lee Miller (the actor, not the other one), Marilyn Monroe and of course Abraham Lincoln. Except, someone put a 'Fuck This Shit' t-shirt on his caricature. What? It wasn't us.
Pull weeds only after a hearty rain, that way it is much easier to get the entire root out. When you go to bed, the local Democrats are going to come over to your house and plant crabgrass in the front yard and spray Roundup in the backyard in a pattern which spells out I HEART CLINTON in chemically burned Fescue. You'll try and fail to remove that crabgrass. Believe us when we say, harder things have never been done than trying to remove 100% of all crabgrass. You will reseed the backyard, but if you do, we will tattoo one cheek on you wife's peach of an ass with the word 'social' and the other with 'programs', and for those missionary nights, a likeness of Eleanor Roosevelt on her abdomen. Good luck ever having sex again. You'll have to close your eyes during intercourse, which your quiet and demure wife will misinterpret as callousness and will leave you for your gardener whose forearms make even the most modest man jealous and the straightest man tingle with wave upon wave of confused desire.
