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In 2003 I plan on
(12/29/2002-1/5/2003)
Successfully working from home and making the money I deserve. Now! (81%)
Increase my website’s earning potential! (12%)
Refinancing my home – Guaranteed the lowest rate now! (6%)



All I want for Christmas is
(12/22/2002-12/29/2002)
A pain reliever that works (37%)
A cure for acid-reflux disease (33%)
A long distance carrier that really cares (20%)
Home delivery of the NY Times (10%)



My mode of transportation in NYC this week will be
(12/15/2002-12/22/2002)
Email (50%)
Tying myself to Aquaman and going wherever he goes (29%)
Strictly Rickshaw! (21%)



What are my upstairs neighbors doing?
(12/8/2002-12/15/2002)
Drawer opening and closing competition (46%)
Ski boot power walking (46%)
Pogo stick practice (9%)



The balloon I am most looking forward to seeing in next year's Macy's Day Parade is:
(12/1/2002-12/8/2002)
The 5-story Paxil balloon (51%)
Al Roker balloon pulled by people wearing Willard Scott masks (40%)
The companion to the "Ask Jeeves" balloon, Mrs. Ask Jeeves (9%)



Puppy or Kitty
(11/24/2002-12/1/2002)
Puppy (60%)
Kitty (40%)



In my family, we call Thanksgiving:
(11/17/2002-11/24/2002)
Fat-ass American gorging day (66%)
Hide the Stuffing (22%)
Maize (12%)



Gulf War II:
(11/10/2002-11/17/2002)
Again with the war (42%)
SUVs under attack (35%)
Blockbuster Video presents War! (23%)



My halloween was spent
(11/3/2002-11/10/2002)
Egging Teens (51%)
Being Egged by Teens (49%)



I identify most closely with:
(10/27/2002-11/3/2002)
a horny Go-Bot (42%)
an emotional hobo (31%)
a diva librarian (27%)



Rematch: Boys or Girls
(10/20/2002-10/27/2002)
Girls (87%)
Boys (13%)



Lisa will be enrolled in what program upon her return from Las Vegas
(10/13/2002-10/20/2002)
Tassels Anonymous (84%)
Alcoholics Anonymous (8%)
Gamblers Anonymous (8%)



Girls or Boys: which are better?
(10/6/2002-10/13/2002)
Boys. (51%)
Girls. (49%)



My Checking account
(9/29/2002-10/6/2002)
less than $1000 (70%)
more than $1000 (30%)



Rejected ‘Girls gone wild’ projects
(9/22/2002-9/29/2002)
Girls Gone Wild for Jesus (48%)
Girls Gone Wild: America under Attack (33%)
Girls Gone Wild: Teenage Mothers (19%)



Al-Qaida’s main beef with the USA
(9/15/2002-9/22/2002)
Our bacon surplus (35%)
Our no interest until January deals on all new Sentras (24%)
Sans-a-belt pants. (22%)
They can’t get Home Delivery of the New York Times (19%)



i'd give my left...
(9/8/2002-9/15/2002)
testicle / ovary (36%)
cerebral hemisphere (30%)
kidney (27%)
arm (7%)



Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought I would be writing to you but last week I was…
(9/1/2002-9/8/2002)
visiting Monkey Mountain with Ronald…. (53%)
ordering home delivery of the New York Times… (33%)
hanging around after a show at the circus… (13%)



My grandmother's pound cake recipe isn't labeled pound cake, but
(8/25/2002-9/1/2002)
sunshine cake (32%)
yellow cake (32%)
pie (20%)
good cake (15%)



If I was president, I would rename the month of August to
(8/18/2002-8/25/2002)
Buster Poindexter’s Hot Hot Hot Month (70%)
Coors Light August (27%)
Air Conditioner Month (3%)



At the wedding, drunken guests thought my name was
(8/11/2002-8/18/2002)
Wrench (49%)
Dandy (22%)
Ricky (15%)
Dick (15%)



I have enjoyed my summer vacation at
(8/4/2002-8/11/2002)
Frito Lay Camp (50%)
RIAA Wanker Camp (36%)
Refreshing Coca-Cola Beverage Camp (14%)



The screenplay I am working on is about the war between
(7/28/2002-8/4/2002)
Pirates and mind reading gorillas (63%)
Rock throwers and stick throwers (29%)
Vampires and Werewolves (9%)



Monkey is to funny as Robot is to
(7/21/2002-7/28/2002)
Stompy (61%)
Cranky (30%)
Monkey (9%)



What's coming out of our cornholes this morning?
(7/14/2002-7/21/2002)
Dreams of grandeur (52%)
Ponies (33%)
Corn (14%)



how do you feel about matt's balls?
(7/7/2002-7/14/2002)
KICK 'EM! (49%)
they're dreamy. (26%)
what's the big deal? (25%)



My favorite new food product is:
(6/30/2002-7/7/2002)
The All-Ruffles Lunchable (39%)
Oscar Meyer's Lifelike Weiners (35%)
Kraft Cheese 'n' Oreo Macaroni (26%)



Down with the metric system, I say we measure everything in units of
(6/23/2002-6/30/2002)
Baby Carrots (38%)
Cats (31%)
Tiny Screws (17%)
Floss (15%)



I hope the next business in my neighborhood will be
(6/16/2002-6/23/2002)
"Neighborhood" sex-n-bagel (41%)
The Nap Emporium, "where naps are king!" (30%)
24-hour Hush Puppy stand (28%)



Terrorists…
(6/9/2002-6/16/2002)
Pretend you don’t know them at parties (59%)
Want all your records back they borrowed (27%)
Tired of hearing about them (15%)



Best baby name that happens to be a sushi term
(6/2/2002-6/9/2002)
Gobo (39%)
Tobiko (31%)
Tamago (31%)



Most popular name of cats belonging to costumed Star Wars fans waiting in line to see movie
(5/26/2002-6/2/2002)
Darth Kitty (54%)
Bobba Cat (32%)
Meow Meow Binks (14%)



Best name for the squirrel that hangs out on our windowsill
(5/19/2002-5/26/2002)
Nutty McCrackers (45%)
Kitty (31%)
Eatie McBirdseed (17%)
Idiot McSquirrely (7%)



Best rejected names for George Bush when he was a baby
(5/12/2002-5/19/2002)
Hammer (45%)
Georgio (30%)
Chicken (24%)



The next reality-based TV show will be:
(5/5/2002-5/12/2002)
Starving for Attention (about singles harboring crushes who are barred from eating unless the object of their affection asks them out) (42%)
Don't Drop That Knife! (about monkeys taught to perform plastic surgery on mid-level celebrities) (26%)
Naked Ant Farm: Uncensored (self-explanatory) (21%)
Escape From Cannibal Island (Contestants must escape from the people-eaters using only a compass and pack of Bubble Yum) (11%)



The name of my favorite summer movie is
(4/28/2002-5/5/2002)
A Time for Cleavage-Showing (64%)
My Life as THX Surround Sound (30%)
Kill. Kill, and More Killings (6%)



If I could be one piece of meat I would be
(4/21/2002-4/28/2002)
Crispy bacon (31%)
Finger lickin' chicken (28%)
Fried Dinosaur (23%)
one big rib (18%)



Best thing about Spring
(4/14/2002-4/21/2002)
Pretty trees (65%)
Pretty flowers (26%)
Pretty birds (9%)



California Rolls
(4/7/2002-4/14/2002)
Yummy (52%)
Stupid (48%)



Fun to pop
(3/31/2002-4/7/2002)
Elastic waistbands (52%)
Expectations (48%)



I am
(3/24/2002-3/31/2002)
Unhappily employed (48%)
Happily employed (22%)
Unhappily unemployed (17%)
Happily unemployed (13%)



Funniest thing about white people
(3/17/2002-3/24/2002)
their dancing (81%)
their talking (19%)



I was born
(3/10/2002-3/17/2002)
1970-1980 (80%)
1960-1970 (10%)
1980-1990 (10%)
Before 1960 (0%)
1990-2002 (0%)



Rodents
(3/3/2002-3/10/2002)
kitty cat (73%)
snap trap (14%)
glue trap (14%)



My favorite rash
(2/24/2002-3/3/2002)
The ill-advised lotion rash (52%)
The itchy pirate rash (36%)
The scratchy chafing rash (12%)



My Favorite Winter Olympic Sport
(2/17/2002-2/24/2002)
Ice cock fighting (65%)
The Fat Guy lycra body suit competition on ice (26%)
Cry Baby Ice Dancing (9%)



The official John Lawton of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games is
(2/10/2002-2/17/2002)
Topless Car Wash John Lawton (48%)
Kung Fu Grip John Lawton (35%)
Big Pimpin’ John Lawton (17%)



my birhtday this year will be described as
(2/3/2002-2/10/2002)
fun-crap-ular (43%)
cake-ish (43%)
party-as-tic (13%)



the native americans call it "maize", but we call it
(1/27/2002-2/3/2002)
carn (38%)
skorn (33%)
puppy (29%)



my first day of being unemployed will consist of
(1/20/2002-1/27/2002)
bacon, bourbon, boobies. (68%)
standing on 23rd with a clipboard and asking people "do you like to laugh?" (32%)
shooting up the post office (0%)



what is it
(1/13/2002-1/20/2002)
it's a wiener dog (63%)
it's a puma (37%)



new years eve, i made a fool of
(1/6/2002-1/13/2002)
my proud family name (48%)
myself (40%)
decency laws in my town (12%)




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