New  »   Sunshine Jen  ·  Post-Modern Drunkard  ·  Poop Beetle  ·  Robot Journal  ·  Gator Country

2000 |  2001 |  2002 |  2003 |  2004 |  2005 |  2006 |  2007 |  2008 |  2009 |  2010 |  2011 |  2012 |  2013 |  2014 |  2015 |  2016 |  2017 |  2018 | 

Thanks for that
Kitten (28%)
Sexy stuff (28%)
Sweater (made of plastic) (22%)
Contribution made in my name to that presidential campaign (22%)

Atop my Christmas Tree
Kitten! (47%)
Chewbacca Angel (37%)
Jon (11%)
Ponch (5%)

Jesus is the reason for the
Sleestaks (40%)
Screaming (30%)
Lesions (20%)
Great quarterly earnings report (10%)

I wonder how Danny Chambers is doing.
Hot dogs. (57%)
Stop it. You're being mean. (14%)
Dranks. (14%)
Taking a zero. (14%)

Reasons why California is better than your state
It's far from Pennsylvania (39%)
Attractive immigrants (33%)
Very sharky (17%)
Sunsets over the ocean (11%)

The reason why the turkey is dry, according to my idiot Uncle Carl
"Your sister probably gayed up the turkey" (58%)
"Michelle Obama is all up in our food" (17%)
"The mainstream media will never allow a businessman to be elected president" (17%)
"Too much regulation on turkey producers" (8%)

What should we name this cat?
Klutchy (33%)
Tiny Mountain Lion (27%)
Hardcastle (27%)
Little Stu (13%)

The name of my new podcast
Speaking of Stu (62%)
Lima Bean Robot Taco Hour (23%)
Funny Times with Gary (8%)
Cat Chat (8%)

My Halloween Costume
Sexy Pulled Pork Sandwich (50%)
Sexy Sex (21%)
Zombie Vampire (unsexy) (14%)
Sexy Bigfoot (14%)

If I was a Top Gun pilot, my nickname would be
Julie (36%)
Cheesus (29%)
Dander (21%)
Gamecock (14%)

Other streets I occupy and/or names of the movie I just watched on the hotel pay-per-view:
The Fast and the Curious (59%)
Wall to Wall Balls Street (18%)
State Road #281 (18%)
Taco Street (6%)

As a Values Voter, my most important value is to
hate those immigrants and the gays (38%)
spread rumors that Obama is Mormon (25%)
be the village idiot (25%)
watch a lot of television (12%)

What I did this past weekend
Ate tacos every day (88%)
Rock and rolled all night (12%)

When they talk about Rick Perry, I always think they are talking about
Steve Perry (44%)
Rick James (31%)
Jesus Christ (12%)
Me (12%)

When we were married 11 years ago...
People lived near the water (55%)
People were shorter (45%)

Ten Years Ago
I was sexier (78%)
I wasn't as sexy (22%)

Why I shot all those people this past weekend.
Houseboat party got out of hand. (36%)
Liquor and barbecue make me kooky. (29%)
Those hot dogs were horrible. (21%)
Keep your damn hands off my sister. (14%)

They always come in threes
Earthquake. Hurricane. Spencer Gifts opening in NYC. (44%)
Earthquake. Hurricane. These pants don't seem to fit anymore. (33%)
Earthquake. Hurricane. The deli up the street closed. (17%)
Earthquake. Hurricane. Something about my stupid sister. (6%)

Why I was eating that corn dog
I like corn. I like hot dogs. I like sticks. (50%)
Jesus told me to. (43%)
So that everyone could see how un-sexy I eat them (7%)

Perry, Bachmann, or Santorum?
ewwwww! (52%)
I pick the one that Jesus likes (19%)
That would be one crazy law firm (19%)
Smash them together and make some sort of giant robot (11%)

Standard & Poor's also downgraded
My sister (60%)
The cut of my jib (13%)
Stu's magical powers (13%)
The value of my snark (13%)

Oh, I didn't tell you what the name of my summer camp was!
Camp Bushy Beard Kissing (31%)
Camp of the Flies (31%)
Camp Pan Nolo (23%)
Camp Musty Ringworm (15%)

How hot is it? Seriously. Tell me.
Hot like your sister (62%)
Hot like my sister (38%)

How hot is it?
Hot dog on a grill hot (36%)
Celsius drools! Fahrenheit rules! (29%)
So hot a dog just pulled down my bathing suit hot (21%)
Big furry dog on your lap hot (14%)

Topics that are causing people to unfollow me on Twitter
Stu haiku. (39%)
Photos of food (always chicken fingers and ketchup). (28%)
Is this a wart? (22%)
Sexy thoughts I just had about your attractive sister. (11%)

My romance at summer camp
Felt up by a bear (31%)
Got to second base with your handsome sister (25%)
Got to third base with your handsome brother (25%)
Camp counselor sandwich (19%)

NY State! Gay Marriage!
Now I can marry Stu (52%)
Now John Ball can marry Stu (22%)
Now Stu can marry Nate (19%)
Now Nate can marry John Ball (7%)

America on vacation
Another round of TJ McShooters Cheesy Jalapeno Shots, please (30%)
This McDonalds is better than one at home (30%)
I'm having seconds at the pizza bar (20%)
Let's buy a shirt so people know where we went (20%)

Something just brushed my leg
Salt-water crocodile (42%)
That fat mouse from the kitchen (33%)
Leg crab (17%)
Delicious seaweed (8%)

The name of the mouse that lives in our kitchen (but not for long)
El Sr. Grasos (33%)
Gary (33%)
Lenta Ingenioso Ratón Hombre (17%)
El Sr. Perezoso Ratón (17%)

Why Google passed on buying happyrobot
Liability insurance for balls too high (55%)
Too many untamed monkeys on scooters (18%)
Carpet cleaning costs make deal prohibitive (18%)
Those monkeys aren’t housebroken (9%)

My Favorite Robot
Red Robot (50%)
Silver Robot with Single Green Eye (25%)
Silver Robot (19%)
Blue Robot (6%)

If I was running as a Republican presidential candidate, my main platform would be
Those people don't look like you (33%)
The gays are messing it all up (33%)
People shouldn't know so much stuff (20%)
Down with sexy marriage (13%)

Ah, Spring. Birds are singing. Bees are buzzing. My neighbors are
Sawing a refrigerator (42%)
Practicing their yelling (25%)
Hoarding (25%)
Breeding small yippy fighting dogs (8%)

It will turn out that Bin Laden was actually killed by
My awesome comedy set (where I killed) (29%)
Armadillo Leprosy (29%)
A honey badger (21%)
A chicken bone (21%)

What I did on Spring Break now that I am a bit older
Build a pyramid from empty beer cans (AKA built a pyramid from empty beer cans) (40%)
Got into a huge fight at a bar with a bunch of dicks from FSU (AKA accidentally over-tipped the waitstaff at dinner) (33%)
Hooked up with five different girls (AKA applied sunscreen to my wife's shoulders) (20%)
Was arrested for public urination (AKA read a lot of stuff on my Kindle) (7%)

Dog sitter. Dog owner. Doggie style.
Doggie style. (67%)
Dog owner. (19%)
Dog sitter. (14%)

White people sure are scared of
Shabooh Shoobah Law (45%)
Sharon's Slaw (36%)
Sharona Law (18%)

How to keep elephants out of your garden
Put up little "No elephants allowed" signs (46%)
Get a king cobra (31%)
They don't like bees (15%)
They don't like ginger root (8%)

There's a cobra loose in the Bronx!
There's a wart snake loose in Queens! (50%)
There's a snake in the bike lane in Brooklyn! (30%)
There's a Mexican burrowing snake loose in Staten Island! (20%)

In honor of our weekend in Montreal, the weekly poll will be bilingual.
En l'honneur de notre week-end sexe secrets du parti à Montréal, lesondage hebdomadaire sera bilingue. (69%)
Zu Ehren unserer Wochenende in Montreal wird die wöchentlicheUmfrage zweisprachig sein wie meine Schwester. (19%)
En honor de nuestro fin de semana en Montreal, los pantalones por semana será bilingüe. (12%)

What I learned about terriers over the weekend
They like to see what is going on over there (54%)
One of them is named "Wiggles" (23%)
Some were bred to chase vermin within large piles of rock (15%)
Benji was a mutt (8%)

Latest Trending Topic Regarding Charlie Sheen
#WankelRotaryEngine (67%)
#Weening (12%)
#Waning (12%)
#Wienie (8%)

Robot Pirates or Pirated Robots?
Robot Pirates (69%)
Pirated Robots (31%)

Why I fell behind during February Smackdown
Busy going to secret sex parties (57%)
Busy photographing myself shirtless (26%)
Busy protesting or something (13%)
Busy being an ill-informed television pundit (4%)

What I plan to do on Valentine's Day
Shake my Shake-Weight at lover. (71%)
Shake a Polaroid picture of lovers. At lovers. (14%)
Shake my fist at lovers. (7%)
Shake my money-maker at lovers. (7%)

Low point of my birthday
All I got was a chicken head (31%)
Being forced to jump out of my own cake (25%)
Wasn't mentioned during television weather forecast (25%)
I didn't save that nice wrapping paper (19%)

First thing I scrub every morning in the shower
Peepers (43%)
The thing near that other thing (29%)
The filthy bit (14%)
Left ear (14%)

When the anti-christ comes
We’ll need to buy some whole milk. (42%)
We’ll just pick up a lot of food from Boston Market. He likes that. (25%)
We’ll need to find those pillows that don’t have the down in the them. (25%)
We’ll need to clean the guest room. (8%)

Animal I'm happy doesn't exist
Snow snake (38%)
Giant underground snow worm monster (25%)
Snow scorpion (19%)
Snow mosquito (19%)

Most Annoying Volcano Activity
Farty smells (52%)
Hot sneaky lava (21%)
Hot airborne rocks (17%)
Hot muddy floods (10%)

My New Years Resolution
Less Chalk More Caulk (40%)
More Sexy (25%)
Go to Jim More Often (20%)
Less Sexy (15%)

view the pre-2001 archives?