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They called this snow storm the:
The Big Ol' Hurdy Gurdy Snow Blaster (56%)
Snowapocalypse (22%)
Snowadelphia (17%)
SnowTowne USA (6%)

Top News Story This Week
Santa's Elves are excited about the repeal of Don't Ask/Don't Tell (41%)
North Korea threatens to shell the North Pole (24%)
Santa's Elves are disappointed that the Dream Act didn't pass (18%)
Santa's Elves are charged with the recent leaking of secret Santa documents (18%)

The hottest toy for kids this Christmas
Slaw (50%)
Vacuum cleaner bags (31%)
Lactose intolerance medicine (12%)
Senior multivitamins (6%)

Mentions of Stu in the latest leaked documents from WikiLeaks
Stu mistaken for Colonel Gaddafi's "voluptuous" Ukrainian nurse (61%)
Stu was drunk at that wedding in Russia (22%)
Stu and Silvio Berlusconi often have brunch together (17%)

West Coast vs. East Coast
West Coast (55%)
East Coast (45%)

America has the #1 Thanksgiving in the World!
True! America #1! (46%)
False! Mexico does! (46%)
False! Canada does! (8%)

From his new book we learned that George W. Bush likes to
Go to a magical school for wizardry (40%)
Organize duck fights (33%)
Make delicious trail mix to have around the house (27%)

Americans Have Spoken
We want more cheese (40%)
We want more things as seen on TV (27%)
We want more Palins (20%)
We want more pesticides (13%)

The reason I voted
Because ya'll keep using big words (41%)
I miss Bush & Cheney (29%)
I'm a Mama Grizzly (18%)
Something about Nancy Pelosi (12%)

Tomorrow's topic for my talk radio show
Those People are Different (44%)
The War on Halloween (28%)
The Constitution doesn't say this, but it should! (17%)
The Midwest Peace Process (11%)

What to wear for Halloween this year?
Sexy Grover (44%)
Sexy Homophobe (25%)
Sexy Mosque (19%)
Sexy Teabagger (12%)

Why my people are better than your people
More stabbing. Less talking. (33%)
Funnier hats. (27%)
Hilarious ceremonies. (20%)
Xenu. (20%)

What type of tea is the Tea Party Express?
Bigoted Oolong (31%)
Sleepytime (31%)
Black (23%)
Frightened Earl Grey (15%)

My favorite new fall TV show
Something for the Ladies (41%)
The PBS Series: The Constant Murdering in England Solved by Old Ladies (24%)
Emergency Time (18%)
America Can Do Something (18%)

In the grand scheme of things, America is
Corn syrupy (35%)
Masturbating with witches (30%)
Fine (20%)
Craptacular (15%)

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.

On my first day of school, I will be carrying my new
Bed Intruder Lunchbox (29%)
Drunk Hulk Lunchbox (29%)
Honor Lunchbox (21%)
Ground Zero Christian Center Lunchbox (21%)

The Twitter hashtag to describe my summer
#SellingMyGoldForHonor (45%)
#Rash (27%)
#ProtestingMuslins (18%)
#Asstastic (9%)

We have to take back America from:
Gary (60%)
the other half of the country who we don't agree with (17%)
those godless [insert name of religion that is not your own] (13%)
those filthy [insert name of minority group] (10%)

They are building a mosque near Ground Zero? Big deal. You should be more worried about this new building:
The Juggalo Heritage Foundation (44%)
Frank's Shoppe of Dangerous Snakes Kept in Flimsy Boxes (22%)
Wholesale Magnets LLC. (19%)
Faygo Towne (15%)

Often overlooked passage in the Old Testament
The one about mayonnaise (38%)
The one about not mixing ketchup and mustard (31%)
The one about when to use catsup or ketchup (31%)

When I was a youngster, August meant
better hurry up and make out with a girl (38%)
second quarter business reviews were out of the way (38%)
need to finish up my summer bucket list (19%)
time to buy slacks (6%)

It was 98 degrees, but with the heat index it felt
melty (33%)
rashy (29%)
burny (19%)
blistery (19%)

Favorite person I saw on cruise ship
Girl who looked like Michael Cera (50%)
Constantly grimacing wheelchair woman (21%)
Huge always wearing overalls guy (14%)
Creepy Black Francis looking teen (14%)

West Coast or East Coast?
East Coast (42%)
West Coast (33%)
Crazy Gulf Coast (25%)

The Best Country in the World?
Los Estados Unidos de America (75%)
America (19%)
USA (6%)

My favorite World Cup match so far
Draculas vs Mild-Mannered Werewolves (38%)
Tiny Crabs vs Tiny Fish (25%)
Walruses vs Buckets (19%)
Robots vs Magnets (19%)

Ouch! That crab just
gave me the crabby stink eye (55%)
messed up my game (25%)
flipped me some sort of obscene crab gesture (15%)
pinched my tiny toe (5%)

The immigration issue would be solved if
immigrants were super sexy (33%)
immigrants had super powers (33%)
immigrants spoke in a more jaunty manner (20%)
immigrants stopped stealing our jobs and women (13%)

The top item on my bucket list
Tiny novelty bucket to hold spare nails and screws (43%)
Green mop bucket (21%)
Bucket to store cleaning brushes (21%)
New bucket to hold fish (14%)

Term I heard in reference to the oil disaster and/or sexual act
Tar balls (43%)
Skimming (21%)
Sticking golf balls in it (21%)
Top kill (14%)

My Favorite Beach on the Gulf Coast
Sad Pelican Beach (57%)
Boca Tar Balls Beach (21%)
BP's Magical Funtime Beach (14%)
Oily Seaside Beach (7%)

Reasons why immigrants come to our country
Tramp stamps (38%)
Our over-sized sodas (28%)
Thetan free churches (17%)
World class TV dramas (17%)

Drill Baby Drill!
Invest more in hydrogen fuel cell technology! Invest! (29%)
Enjoy your oily marshland! Enjoy! (29%)
Clean that bird! Clean! (24%)
Drive your inefficient fuel car! Drive! (19%)

Little noted footnote: Other conditions for being stopped in Arizona
White people can be stopped by Native American cops (33%)
Riding a stunt bike in an awesome manner (27%)
Driving with a car load of goats (27%)
Obviously being on a coming-of-age road trip (13%)

Why I was arrested in Arizona
I taking a photo of a taco (42%)
I stole some goats (26%)
I talking about the taco I just ate (21%)
I was eating a taco (11%)

When Fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying
a badly spelled protest sign (33%)
extra weight (33%)
a television (19%)
a handy device that was seen on TV (15%)

The last five words of what I just tweeted
Ouch. It really does burn. (86%)
I am not Drunk Hulk. (8%)
Devil. Devil. Devil. Devil. Devil. (4%)
You need to apologize now. (1%)

What is blooming?
The nasal spray tree (62%)
The Claritin bush (25%)
The Sudafed flower (12%)

Most popular cocktail served at our weekly Death Panel meeting
Same Sex on the Beach (79%)
Old Fashioned (11%)
The Babe Killer (5%)
French 75 (5%)

Favorite Tea Party sign I saw
"I don't like those baggy pants" (41%)
"Nothing good ever came of change" (24%)
"I'm intolerant and I vote" (24%)
"I'm scared of things" (12%)

Who is taking over America
Nazi Communist Socialites (38%)
Socialist Wolves (25%)
That Franklin Guy (25%)
Communist Nazi Abstractionists (12%)

Oscar won by "happyrobot: the movie"
Best Portrayal of Stu in a movie based on a website (50%)
Best Supporting Goat (19%)
Best Internet Page Screenplay (19%)
Best Delicious Sandwich (12%)

Conspiracy theories I find totally plausible told to me by my Tea Party friend
When the government declares martial law, it will only apply to Stu (33%)
Something about Mormons (28%)
Immigrants can really speak English, but choose to speak their native tongue to undermine my family (22%)
The government has put tiny cameras in our cheese (17%)

I just won a gold medal in
Winter Depression (37%)
Snow Pants Wearing (21%)
Snarky Olympics Commenting (16%)
Polar Bear Rodeo (16%)
Sidewalk Snow Shoveling (11%)

With the symptoms you described, I believe you are suffering from
Babesiosis (62%)
Arctic bearded seal poisoning (23%)
American mountain fever (15%)
Australian Sea Lion poisoning (0%)

Now that I am old, I look forward to
Increased poking (35%)
Complaining about teens (30%)
Earlier dinner (22%)
Things flaring up (13%)

happyrobot is 11?!
happyrobot has fur where there was no fur before (44%)
happyrobot's voice is changing (28%)
In internet years, happyrobot is 88 (16%)
The pension plan should kick in soon (12%)

It was at that moment that I knew...
the bears got Stu (38%)
the bears were three sheets to the wind (29%)
the bears were producing a play about bears trying to make it on Broadway (25%)
the bears got an upgrade to business class (8%)

I sold my soul to the devil for
One sexy night with you (61%)
A new Zune (14%)
Tube socks (14%)
An extension on my New Yorker subscription (11%)

My favorite novelty subway ride
No Pants With Writing On The Butt Subway Ride (33%)
No Cursing At Your Child Subway Ride (28%)
No Stained Sweatpants Subway Ride (22%)
No Stink Eye Subway Ride (17%)

Favorite aspect of January
The lawsuit-friendly icy sidewalks (35%)
The warm howling wind (24%)
The sunny snow storm (24%)
The roving packs of hungry wolves (18%)

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