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New Year's Eve Plans?
Pants: Off (56%)
Pants: On (44%)

Naughty or nice?
Naughtily nice (53%)
Nicely naughty (47%)

Which sweater should I wear to the holiday party?
The one with the holiday cougar on it (32%)
The "Egg Nog Nation" one (25%)
The one with Santa playing poker with dogs on the front (24%)
The one that says "naughty" with an arrow pointing to my crotch (19%)

The occupation for my imaginary goat, Mr. Tin-Can
Professional life coach (45%)
Reality show judge (27%)
Sunday morning news show pundit (16%)
Talk show co-host (11%)

Other not as controversial names for that teddy bear
Jeebus (33%)
Rocky the stoning bear (22%)
Fuzzy the intolerant bear (20%)
Jerky McBearster (13%)
Popey (13%)

The hottest geometric shape for the holidays!
War of Christmas Isosceles Trapezium (39%)
Candy Cane Icosagon (25%)
Holiday Tree Rhombus (22%)
Santa Triangle (14%)

Pants to wear for up-coming Thanksgiving food thing
Andy Rooney jumpsuit (41%)
Elastic waist-band MC Hammer pants (32%)
Elastic waist-band Sinbad pants (26%)

Anagram for happyrobot and/or how my weekend was
Trap By Pooh (30%)
Pat Hobo Pry (28%)
Rap By Ho Pot (22%)
Tarp Boy Hop (20%)

The direction I am stroking in
South (29%)
West (29%)
North (27%)
East (16%)

Reason why you are so sexy
The way you wave your gun (42%)
The way you drive your mom's car (35%)
Your sassy walk (15%)
The way you flip you hair (8%)

Werewolves vs. Vampires: The Issue
Sea monsters think they are both stupid and would like them to come closer to the water (51%)
Property taxes (26%)
Vampires think werewolves are stupid (15%)
Werewolves thing vampires are stupid (9%)

Comments yelled at me by construction workers
Do fries come with that bored shuffling? (31%)
Do fries come with that walking while texting? (26%)
Do fries come with that pretending not to check out the ladies on your lunch break? (23%)
Do fries come with that drunken skipping? (20%)

Chinese made products being recalled for having lead
That lead cape you wear at the dentist (35%)
Lois Lane's planters (30%)
Pencils (22%)
Leaded gas (14%)

Rematch 2007: Boys or Girls?
Girls (76%)
Boys (24%)

My slick new dance move that all the kids are talking about
The limpy Jimmy (59%)
The Japanese wrinklies (22%)
The Spectacular acid-reflux pop (12%)
The little superstar (6%)

The reason for my most recent arrest
Not remembering 9/11 (27%)
Propositioning men in public restrooms for tacos (27%)
Presidential candidate slapping (25%)
Trusspassing (20%)

Least successful "secret ingredient" on the Iron Chef
Grape Jelly (48%)
Wheaties (28%)
Monster (12%)
Invisible Ham (12%)

My back to school list
Safety stick (41%)
Glue box (33%)
Pencil scissors (25%)

The exciting climax of my vacation
Shagging (33%)
When I realized that the tikki thing wasn't really good luck (30%)
Making a really good sandwich (27%)
When I surfed that one wave and did that thing (9%)

Things that are biting me in the ocean
Toothsome doubt (40%)
Toddlers (30%)
Satire (19%)
Tiny silver fish (11%)

Vacation Issues
Hotel room full of gypsies (38%)
Towels made of burlap (27%)
Rattlesnake petting zoo (23%)
Vampires (12%)

Worse than chocolate rain
Strawberry Unhealable Boils (54%)
Vanilla Tsunami (17%)
Flour-less Chocolate Cake Plague (17%)
Butterscotch Hail (11%)

Things about balls
They can be ovoid or solid (35%)
Pat likes to kick them (30%)
People of all ages like to bounce them (25%)
Rubber ones can bounce very high (10%)

Least favorite thing about swimming in lakes
Slimy bottoms (63%)
Fish giving me the stink eye (22%)
Lack of cocktail delivery services (15%)

Funniest looking state I flew over to get to California
The great state of flat and brown (50%)
The great state of cloudy cloud cloud (35%)
The great state of many tiny roads (10%)
The great state of tiny lakes (5%)

Favorite Hardy Boys Book Title (and/or cocktail name at a bar I open called 'Mystery Bar')
The Apeman's Secret (38%)
Danger on Vampire Trail (19%)
Track of the Zombie (19%)
The Case of the Cosmic Kidnapping (14%)
Rock 'n' Roll Renegades (10%)

If we had written our own wedding vows and my wife was a cave-woman
Our love. Like. Woolly mammoth. (44%)
Fire. (31%)
Our love. Built with simple tools. Stone. Stick. (19%)
I take you. Husband. (6%)

Things that are wrong with my feet
Maize (61%)
Corns (39%)

Monuments I expect to see on my next trip to Washington DC
The Monument Where The Founding Fathers Are Crying Monument (50%)
The Coca-Cola Presents Here's to America Monument (25%)
The Bobba Fett Memorial (25%)
The Falkland Islands Memorial (0%)

Sandwiches my soon-to-be-famous sandwich shop will make (and/or deviant act)
The Bacon Three Way (62%)
The Philadelphia Taco Dog (17%)
Steamed Hams (12%)
PBJ (8%)

My weekend as told by my cat (who suddenly speaks Spanish)

The name of their love child
Stutice (54%)
Solstu (46%)

My Summer Plans
West Nile Disease Carrying Shark Bite (46%)
Short Pants Tuesdays (25%)
Summer Loving (note: no low-brow “Lovin’”) (21%)
Gowanus Raft Race (8%)

Musicals I am still waiting for funding on
Kristen & Stu: The Musical (45%)
Spank: The Musical (25%)
Cougars will eat your children: The Musical (20%)
Homeless preacher breaking into your house and stealing your young daughter and forcing her to become his teen bride: The Musical (10%)

Gift ideas for Mother's Day
Date with Steve Perry (59%)
Sea-Monster Insurance (24%)
Photo of Mom (12%)
Hyena (6%)

Where you live?
Random Road (35%)
Moonshine Drive (31%)
Fishcamp Road (31%)
Steakhouse Road (4%)

The milk in the refrigerator
Mom (24%)
3 weeks old (24%)
Skim (16%)
2% (16%)
1% (12%)
Whole (8%)

Things that are invisible
Cougars Stalking Me (29%)
Sandwiches (24%)
Corn (19%)
Creepy Crawlies (14%)
Natural Gas (14%)

British Beer and/or Unspeakable Sexual Act
Bishop's Finger (33%)
Bateman's Summer Swallow (33%)
Old Peculier (19%)
Sneck Lifter (10%)
Butcombe Gold (5%)

British Cheese and Good Band Name
Stinking Bishop (41%)
Village Green Goat (23%)
Isle of Mull (18%)
Lord of the Hundreds (14%)
Gruth Dhu (5%)

What I was doing when I discovered the body during the first minutes of Law & Order
Stu and I were jogging in the park and debating who deserved Solstice. The body was being used in a comical *Weekend at Bernie's* bit by a group of teens. (67%)
I was talking to someone while doing a very busy task. The body was dropped at my feet by Pearl, my miniature (and sometime murderous) donkey. (21%)
I was walking Pearl, my miniature donkey. The body was next to Pearl's bag of horse feed. (12%)
My wife and I were arguing while walking up the stairs in our building with a bag of horse feed. The body was in an old bag of horse feed. (0%)

My Favorite Boy Scout Cookies
Thick Mints (36%)
Do-Si-Don't (32%)
Tagalong This (23%)
Samosas (9%)

Actual sentence from my latest entry to Penthouse Forum
Minutes later, still burning from the vinegar, I passed out. (98%)
When I woke up, I was surprised to still be in Helsinki. (1%)
Stu, startled, loudly exclaimed, "You don't that very often in my pantry" (1%)
Her father didn't appreciate what happened to his rose bushes. (0%)

Quit Laughing!
Hyenas! (42%)
My fans! (38%)
Melting snowman! (17%)
TV laugh track! (4%)

The winner for best picture
Invisible sandwich (30%)
I made you a cookie, but I eated it (24%)
Going to the moon, BRB. (22%)
I'm in your PC stealin your internets (16%)
Invisible bicycle (8%)

People on my block who have recently announced their intention to run for president.
The Jesus in the glass box (R) (86%)
Breezeway Towel & Phone Guy (I) (6%)
The little nude Scandinavian kid (D) (4%)
The constantly scratching 'Scratch&Wins' guy (R) (2%)
Old lady downstairs (who announced two weeks ago) (D) (2%)

The kind of astronaut I want to be when I grow up
Tang & Vodka astronaut (54%)
Open relationship astronaut (17%)
Something to do with lasers astronaut (17%)
Mustache sporting astronaut (11%)

Best Birthday Gift
Did I say "Gift"? I meant "Rash" (46%)
Shank free weekend (25%)
Bail (21%)
Flea bath (7%)

The best word that rhymes with trucker
Oyster shucker (56%)
Fantastic peking ducker (33%)
Good lucker (7%)
Mucker (4%)

That baby (and/or me this past Saturday morning) has a
Monocle (36%)
Big, bushy mustache (25%)
Rash (21%)
Comical tattoo (18%)

This week's pant-less activities will include
No Pants Job Interview (45%)
No Pants Big Brothering (27%)
No Pants Pants Shopping (23%)
No Pants City Bus Riding (5%)

Best fish I saw when snorkeling the other day
The big headed one that gave me the stink eye (65%)
The bright yellow ones that remained just out of reach (18%)
The darty black ones that darted too much (12%)
The skinny, tube-y looking ones that kind of spooked me (6%)

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