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My goals for 2009
Nine days of employment (44%)
Nine different ladies in nine different towns (32%)
Nine times more awesome (15%)
Nine dollars in my retirement fund (10%)

Layoffs at the North Pole
Repeated unexcused absenteeism or tardiness Prancer (33%)
Falsified information giving Vixen (26%)
Consistent incompetence Donder (22%)
Excessive office supply using Blitzen (19%)

What I love most about American made cars
Big seats for my big ass (68%)
The jingoism (16%)
Vague steering (12%)
The great sense of design (4%)

The name of your newborn baby
Encyclopedia Ball (32%)
Mustachio (25%)
The baby who cannot be named (22%)
Torta (20%)

What kind of fruit smoothie is that?
Marion Barry (34%)
Taco (28%)
Turkey & Gravy (25%)
American Cheese (12%)

Pants I am wearing for American Thanksgiving
Ecstatic waistband (43%)
Electric waistband (30%)
Elastic waistband (17%)
Eclectic waistband (9%)

The threat that gay marriage poses to my marriage
We'll watch fewer episodes of House Hunters on HGTV (39%)
My cat will turn gay (36%)
I'll stop falling in love with her all over again (14%)
We will both turn gay (11%)

The name of the daycare center I opened up for the happyrobot staff's children
Bebeh Robutts (34%)
Tacos -n- Tots (28%)
Stomach Virus Towne (25%)
Uncle Stu's (13%)

Complaints from my neighbors about the election party I threw (and/or complaints about my Halloween costume)
Way too sexy (50%)
Too much quiet drinking (29%)
Too much whooping and hollering (12%)
Too much crying and screaming (8%)

What I'll be for Halloween
Scary Backwards Letter Face Carving Woman (29%)
Scary 401K (21%)
Scary President Palin (19%)
Scary Unpatriotic Part of America (16%)
Scary Stu's Doctor (16%)

Reasons why I am not the right person to lead the country
I may be just too awesome (40%)
Boners (40%)
The constant world leader groping (10%)
My many facial tattoos (10%)

Bionic body parts they are installing on Stu while he is in the hospital
Bionic pie hole (62%)
Bionic Bulbourethral gland (25%)
Bionic olfactory epithelium (8%)
Bionic hip bone (5%)

I long for when people were
preoccupied with pie (49%)
nattily dressed and lived near habidashers (26%)
shorter and lived near the water (21%)
taller and lived down the street (5%)

Allegations made by my opponent during our first debate
At your wedding, I didn't actually make out with anyone (38%)
That is a small moon (28%)
I originally voted for sausage, but then changed my mind to green peppers (22%)
My father was from Krypton (12%)

Bridesmaid I made out with at your wedding
Harry & Jason (45%)
Carla (the one wearing knee socks) (38%)
Frank (your brother (the taller one)) (10%)
Jane (the one that is your half-half-sister) (7%)

Most popular high school reunion topic
Did we sleep together? (38%)
Stop punching me. (28%)
You smell familiar. (18%)
Weren't we in a teen gang together? (16%)

Girls I knocked up when I was 17
Your sister (the bookish one) (38%)
If by "knocked up" you mean "made a mix tape for" (31%)
If by "knocked up" you mean "was punched by" (12%)
Your sister (the dirty one) (11%)
If by "knocked up" you mean "was nervous to talk to" (8%)

what color is that?
#aeaeae (45%)
Ball (30%)
Greenie (15%)
Aqua (10%)

My pick for my personal vice president
Oodles the poodle (29%)
My drug dealer, "Chicken" (24%)
The girl at the coffee shop (21%)
An Inanimate Carbon Rod. (21%)
Jim (5%)

Events I won gold medals in this week
Dentist Chair Sitting (49%)
Debutant Sassing (20%)
Dog Scratching (18%)
Desk Straightening (13%)

Source of conflict between Russia and Georgia
Russia jealous of Georgia's turfgrass industry (34%)
Russia needs peaches and pecans (34%)
Russia hates Collective Soul (22%)
Russia dislikes the Brown thrasher (Georgia's state bird) (9%)

On the first day of August my true love gave to me
Eight cartons of BBQ (58%)
Three strokin' while watching the late late show (29%)
Five baggies to pick up poo (6%)
Six playings of the race card (6%)

The title of my new weblog and/or title of the screenplay I am writing
The Longings of my Cat (39%)
Tito Stories (29%)
President McPain (18%)
Porn Star Weddings (14%)

Things I just smashed
The world making-out record with you. (35%)
Some balls. And a potato. (22%)
These slacks (as in they are smashing). (22%)
Your heart. (22%)

What the kids said when I took my shirt off the first day at the beach
The Goggles. They do nothing. (29%)
Sweet Whitey White. (29%)
Hide the corn! (29%)
Fries come with that paleness? (14%)

All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in
a sleeping bag (45%)
Stu's arms (42%)
Bangladeshi sweatshops (10%)
an empty cardboard box (2%)

My current amount of Summer Loving
$5/gallon (50%)
Less than Spring Loving, but more than Autumn Loving (25%)
A grocery bag full (12%)
Apart from Port Authority? (12%)

The name of my new cologne
Endless Love by Donnie (43%)
Startled by Hank (29%)
Classless and Non-Charitable by Lou (19%)
Ghostly Pale by Steve (10%)

iPhone features that haven't gotten a lot of press
The new rounder style helps your hand grasp it when doing a terrorist fist bump (33%)
If you leave it in a pitcher of water in the sun, it makes delicious "sun tea" (29%)
It has a built-in Zune (29%)
Apple will give you a free one if you bring a case of beer to the store (8%)

Stores I looted during the mini-brooklyn blackout of 2008
The Harshly Lit Boutique (31%)
Penelope's Pricey Precious Prams (24%)
Carl's tiny cakes with ironic names (24%)
Housewares for Heady Honchos (21%)

The summer blockbuster movie about cranes
Cranes on a Plane (50%)
Baby Geniuses Two: Crane Babies (27%)
Cranes! (14%)
The Crane Who Loved Me (9%)

The secret ingredient for my cable access version of the Iron Chef
Possum! (67%)
Rock Candy! (14%)
HP Sauce! (14%)
Blue Corn Chips! (5%)

Crazy Raspberry Ants? That's the least of my problems.
Foul tempered banana dogs (48%)
Argumentative fruit salad apes (40%)
Irksome plum panthers (12%)

Groups on FLICKR that I have been banned from and/or my new band's name
Saudi Pancakes (38%)
Hot girls in slacks (34%)
Jealous of Jesus (14%)
Jims (10%)
Carpet Bags (3%)

Most Anticipated Summer Blockbuster
The Delicious Sandwich (53%)
Stool Patrol (34%)
Out of the ordinary powers man (9%)
Awesome Explosions (3%)

The name of the new apartment building on my street
85 West Douche Street (31%)
The Towers of Doucheness (25%)
The Whitey McDoucher (22%)
The Douche-kota (22%)

Which country is stupider?
United States of Television (42%)
United States of Flag Lapel Pin Wearers (19%)
United States of Fear Mongering Talk Radio (19%)
United States of Immigrant Haters (19%)

What are those yellow flowers called?
Pantone Yellow 012 Lily (30%)
American Cheese Flower (30%)
Deli Mustard Roses (21%)
Lemon Shark Orchid (18%)

During Spring, Stu's thoughts turn to
Defeating Mothra (in Scrabulous) (61%)
Breathing fire on city centers (19%)
Smashing buildings (13%)
Stepping on tanks (6%)

Topics I may have misspoke about over the last week
This sweater will repel bears (47%)
Harnessing the powers of bears could solve the energy crisis (23%)
When I landed at JFK, there were also problems with moon people (17%)
When I landed on the moon, I had to run for cover because of moon people shooting at my space rocket (13%)

Our racial divide
Blue Robots have no issue with Red Robots, but find Silver Robots a bit uppity. (50%)
Silver Robots hate Red Robots but don't mind Blue Robots (as long as they mind their business) (43%)
Red Robots hate Blue Robots and Silver Robots (7%)

Things that are green
The Teens (37%)
Alligator Heads (26%)
Mint Jelly (22%)
Palms (15%)

The happyrobot party's candidate for president
Stubama (32%)
Canadian Gabe (32%)
Artisanal Lollipop (22%)
Mr. Tin-Can (15%)

2008 Rematch: Mexico or Canada?
Canada (57%)
Mexico (43%)

The award I am most proud of
Chicago Pancake Challenge (1995) (50%)
Mediocre Actor of the Year (2008) (22%)
Most Improved Tee Ball Player (1976) (19%)
San Diego Cheese Eating Contest - Third Place (1989) (9%)

My favorite type of rocket
herbie hancock rocket (34%)
space rocket (28%)
water rocket (22%)
land rocket (12%)
air rocket (3%)

Favorite line from Van Halen's "Running with the Devil"
God damn it lady. You know I ain't lyin' to ya (45%)
Hold on. Hold on, I'm runnin'! Ah, yeah! (29%)
Woo! (18%)
Uh! Uh! Come on, one more time (8%)

What we've been doing for the past nine years
Shaking our fist (31%)
Watching our youth melt away (28%)
Styling our mustache (22%)
Building up our reserves of corn (19%)

It's the end of January - how are the resolutions going?
I am still not cruising rest stops (42%)
Trying to be more sexy in 2008: So far so good! (36%)
My MySpace page is more popular than ever (19%)
I've already saved a full book of Green Stamps (3%)

Quiz I just took on the Facesbooks
Which irregular mole on my body are you? (38%)
Which obscure American poet are you? (25%)
Which of you are you? (25%)
Which surly US Mail employee are you? (12%)

Michael Jackson "Beat It"-esque Knife Fight: Democrats
Kucinich (acrobatic and sneaky) (35%)
Obama (has longer reach) (27%)
Clinton (uses Secret Service snipers) (23%)
Edwards (master of the kick) (15%)

Resolution for 2008?
More rock, less talk (27%)
More rock talk (25%)
Slightly more talk than rock (21%)
Less talk, more rock (17%)
Not too much rock, some talk (10%)

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