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New Years Eve plans and/or NY Post headlines
(12/26/2004-1/2/2005)
PANTS DON’T FAIL ME NOW (62%)
AULD LANG SYNE SINGING SEX FIEND KILLS MOBSTER (17%)
SICKO TEEN BLOWS PARTY HORN LATE INTO THE EVENING (14%)
QUIET EVENING WITH FRIENDS (7%)



2004 issues for Santa
(12/19/2004-12/26/2004)
Wooden toys still boring (41%)
New hybrid sleigh (27%)
Elves now contracted out (27%)
Dry cleaner put hole in santa pants (5%)



My holiday office party plans
(12/12/2004-12/19/2004)
Mission-critical vomiting (42%)
Making out with synergetic zeal (36%)
Junior executive spanking machine (21%)



My favorite family value
(12/5/2004-12/12/2004)
Blaming TV (66%)
Ignoring the plummeting dollar (24%)
The one where the amount of the goods we export is shrinking while the amount of goods we import is increasing (10%)



Similarities and differences between Thailand’s Monkey Festival and President Bush's recent trip to Chile
(11/28/2004-12/5/2004)
Monkeys wore no pants. President left fly open (55%)
Monkeys ate well. (27%)
Secret service clashed with Chilean police. A big monkey stole a piece of fruit from another monkey. (18%)



The thanksgiving tradition I most look forward to is
(11/21/2004-11/28/2004)
Pilgrim reenactments (37%)
The drunken, sleepy brawls in the yard (23%)
The constant dope slapping (23%)
Pulled to the curb gettin' played like a sucker (17%)



Reasons not to go to work today
(11/14/2004-11/21/2004)
My chipmunk hurts (50%)
My piggies are dirty (28%)
Acid reflux (22%)



The milk in the refrigerator
(11/7/2004-11/14/2004)
Still Fresh (41%)
Soy (26%)
Expired (24%)
None (6%)
Chocolate (3%)



Election 2004 will go down in the history books as
(10/31/2004-11/7/2004)
The one that Nostradamus predicted to be the start of the plague of the fire monkeys (34%)
The one with all the douche bags (23%)
The one with all the stupid people (21%)
The one where I found out that you had to wear pants in the polling place (19%)
The one where I kicked the exit poll person after voting (4%)



For Halloween this year, I’m going as
(10/24/2004-10/31/2004)
Sexy Undecided Voter (42%)
Sexy October Surprise (33%)
Sexy Supreme Court Litmus Test (24%)



In addition to the flu vaccine, we are also short of vaccines for
(10/17/2004-10/24/2004)
Baby stink pants (40%)
Pudding reflux disease (30%)
Hyperactive biscuit (27%)
Hysterical whooping cough (3%)



My personal October surprise
(10/10/2004-10/17/2004)
Sexertainment (63%)
Tick bath (20%)
Flossing (10%)
Bathing not just on Saturday (7%)



Other countries that we shouldn’t forget
(10/3/2004-10/10/2004)
Slackslyvannia (38%)
Florida (28%)
Moldova (17%)
North Poland (17%)



The next natural disaster Florida can look forward to
(9/26/2004-10/3/2004)
Ticked off squirrels (52%)
Land sharks (39%)
Oddly small tidal waves (9%)



Correct way to put pants on
(9/19/2004-9/26/2004)
If you don’t put these pants on, more pants will attack you. (53%)
Put pants on, but neglect to come up with plan on how to get pants off (31%)
Make your pants sign a loyalty pledge before being put on (17%)



Things I see from the airplane
(9/12/2004-9/19/2004)
Little tiny things (58%)
Subdivisions (23%)
Cloudy cloud clouds (13%)
Lakes a plenty (6%)



Things you can't do after Labor Day
(9/5/2004-9/12/2004)
Look at white people (59%)
Wear a white jumpsuit (33%)
Walk a white dog (4%)
Eat egg whites (4%)



September? Already?
(8/29/2004-9/5/2004)
I still haven’t got my beach-house freak on! (56%)
Time to buy some big pencils. (34%)
Here comes the foliage! (10%)



Types of mischief I plan on getting into during the RNC Convention across town
(8/22/2004-8/29/2004)
Become a sovereign nation (71%)
Wear striped shirts and striped ties that clearly don’t match (16%)
Bottle rockets! (13%)
Stay informed of current events (0%)



The one Olympic sport I am totally looking forward to is
(8/15/2004-8/22/2004)
Popcorning (35%)
Terror Warning Whimpering (35%)
Political Race Baiting (19%)
Faulty Swim Drunks Diving (10%)



In November, I am voting for
(8/8/2004-8/15/2004)
The wealthy white guy (70%)
The wealthy white guy (30%)



Body parts not yet sunburned this summer
(8/1/2004-8/8/2004)
Bottom (35%)
Helmet (32%)
Head Holes (24%)
Leg Bone (9%)



sections of the weekend New York Times that I wish existed
(7/25/2004-8/1/2004)
nude week in review (42%)
shiny things (38%)
the teen beat (21%)



Description of NYC’s weather this summer and/or what my "back tat" says
(7/18/2004-7/25/2004)
If you can read this, you are close to my ass (78%)
Simply Sassy (15%)
Mild and pretty (7%)



Kerry/Edwards Campaign Slogan if they were the Olsen Twins and their campaign was a straight to video feature
(7/11/2004-7/18/2004)
The Adventures of John Kerry & John Edwards: The Case of the Fun House Mystery (42%)
You're Invited to John Kerry & John Edwards's Camping Party (39%)
To Grandmother's House We Go (19%)



Quotes from George Bush and Mr. T's presidential love child
(7/4/2004-7/11/2004)
fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me again, and, um, quit your jibber jaberring (42%)
we’re a nation that can’t be cowed by sucker evil doers giving us back talk (42%)
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family when you don't fly on no plane (15%)



Why monkeys make the perfect summertime pet
(6/27/2004-7/4/2004)
Will eat hot dogs even if you don’t have any buns left (44%)
Can help apply sunscreen to your back (30%)
Ability to fetch delicious fruit from trees (26%)



In terms of sheer coolness, few things beat
(6/20/2004-6/27/2004)
Giant Squids (42%)
Girls (42%)
Rocketry (15%)



Things you can do in Brooklyn when not talking about someone's mother and/or wife
(6/13/2004-6/20/2004)
Eat delicious sandwiches (27%)
Pet a friendly dog (27%)
Talk about someone’s greasy greasy granny (23%)
Engage in a teen riot (23%)



Things That Might Fly If You Put Enough Rockets on Them (inspired by dorkbot)
(6/6/2004-6/13/2004)
pants (63%)
bicycle (20%)
kitty cat (17%)



Reason scientist have never seen a live giant squid
(5/30/2004-6/6/2004)
Giant Squid don’t leave the house until late, usually after scientists have come home (39%)
Giant Squid ride in cars with tinted glass (32%)
Giant Squid wear sunglasses and baseball caps (29%)



I am
(5/23/2004-5/30/2004)
Suspiciously aroused (44%)
Haplessly drowsy (24%)
Courageously leading our nation in the war against terror (20%)
Stomping mad (11%)



Take this job and...
(5/16/2004-5/23/2004)
Ouch! That’s my bottom! (30%)
Wait. I'm still sober? (30%)
Oh, when I said “shove it”, I meant “please don’t fire me” (23%)
Hey watch it! That’s the business end! (17%)



Cutest Animal and/or Winner of Death Match 2004
(5/9/2004-5/16/2004)
Mark the Shark (41%)
Wombat (36%)
Cougar (15%)
Bear (8%)



In addition to ‘those who hate freedom’, Americans needs to look out for
(5/2/2004-5/9/2004)
Freedom hating carbs (40%)
Smart-alecky Canadians (35%)
Bamboozlement (26%)



Best community our friend Jessica is member of on Orkut
(4/25/2004-5/2/2004)
Baby Animals With Lasers (36%)
I HATE BEES (25%)
Peel and Eat Shrimp (19%)
Creepy Dude on a Bike (15%)
Ketchup (6%)



Ah, Spring! A time when a young man's thoughts turn to thoughts of...
(4/18/2004-4/25/2004)
boobies (41%)
milkshakes (33%)
booty (15%)
woo-woos (11%)



Other threats mentioned in the August 2001 Presidential Daily Briefing
(4/11/2004-4/18/2004)
Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! (45%)
Cougars! Cougars! Cougars! (40%)
Bears! Bears! Bears! (14%)



Osama Bin Laden’s plans for Easter
(4/4/2004-4/11/2004)
Promises not to hide eggs in beard. (41%)
New dress. New Easter hat. (33%)
Not to eat a whole chocolate bunny like last year. (27%)



Those 9/11 hearings taught me that
(3/28/2004-4/4/2004)
It's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G (62%)
It was mostly Bush’s fault, but some of it was Clinton’s (24%)
Somehow it was all my fault (9%)
It was mostly Clinton’s fault, but some of it was Bush’s (6%)



Things you need to be aware of if moving back to Brooklyn
(3/21/2004-3/28/2004)
Free babies when you move in (53%)
Manhattanites must be tagged for tracking purposes (29%)
The dreaded ass tax (18%)



My favorite dog trait
(3/7/2004-3/14/2004)
The whole fuzzy head thing (72%)
The chasing things thing (25%)
The wet nose thing (3%)



The English keep staring at my
(2/29/2004-3/7/2004)
Kick-ass dirt bike (53%)
Cougar (29%)
Vish-ass (18%)



favorite town in idaho
(2/22/2004-2/29/2004)
sugar city (38%)
fruitland (31%)
soda springs (31%)



Other things we'll learn when George Bush’s military records are released:
(2/15/2004-2/22/2004)
The Texas Air National Guard can be abbreviated as TANG (67%)
GWB and Chappy stole some F-15s and flew them to the middle-east to rescue GWB’s Dad who was being held in prison (18%)
His pilot nickname was Maverick (15%)



John Kerry election campaign slogans:
(2/8/2004-2/15/2004)
Shake yer Kerry maker! (64%)
Kerry Oh Key! (20%)
Larry for Kerry! (16%)



You know how I like it baby
(2/1/2004-2/8/2004)
Straight office park (39%)
Straight mini-mall (36%)
Straight hood (25%)



First thing I think of when I hear "Pittsburgh Steelers"
(1/25/2004-2/1/2004)
Theives in tight shiny pants (66%)
Steel Workers who live in PA (17%)
Hamburgers, yum (17%)



presidential candidate i would do drugs with
(1/18/2004-1/25/2004)
sharpton (26%)
iowa (26%)
kerry (17%)
dean (15%)
leiberman (15%)



We have to stop seeing each other because
(1/11/2004-1/18/2004)
cougar attacks (37%)
Anne Heche attacks (33%)
itchy (30%)



New Years resolution I have no plans on keeping
(1/4/2004-1/11/2004)
The one where I straighten up and fly right (42%)
The one about not hanging out at truck stops (37%)
The one about not spitting on people (21%)




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