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New Years Eve plans and/or NY Post headlines

2004 issues for Santa
Wooden toys still boring (41%)
New hybrid sleigh (27%)
Elves now contracted out (27%)
Dry cleaner put hole in santa pants (5%)

My holiday office party plans
Mission-critical vomiting (42%)
Making out with synergetic zeal (36%)
Junior executive spanking machine (21%)

My favorite family value
Blaming TV (66%)
Ignoring the plummeting dollar (24%)
The one where the amount of the goods we export is shrinking while the amount of goods we import is increasing (10%)

Similarities and differences between Thailand’s Monkey Festival and President Bush's recent trip to Chile
Monkeys wore no pants. President left fly open (55%)
Monkeys ate well. (27%)
Secret service clashed with Chilean police. A big monkey stole a piece of fruit from another monkey. (18%)

The thanksgiving tradition I most look forward to is
Pilgrim reenactments (37%)
The drunken, sleepy brawls in the yard (23%)
The constant dope slapping (23%)
Pulled to the curb gettin' played like a sucker (17%)

Reasons not to go to work today
My chipmunk hurts (50%)
My piggies are dirty (28%)
Acid reflux (22%)

The milk in the refrigerator
Still Fresh (41%)
Soy (26%)
Expired (24%)
None (6%)
Chocolate (3%)

Election 2004 will go down in the history books as
The one that Nostradamus predicted to be the start of the plague of the fire monkeys (34%)
The one with all the douche bags (23%)
The one with all the stupid people (21%)
The one where I found out that you had to wear pants in the polling place (19%)
The one where I kicked the exit poll person after voting (4%)

For Halloween this year, I’m going as
Sexy Undecided Voter (42%)
Sexy October Surprise (33%)
Sexy Supreme Court Litmus Test (24%)

In addition to the flu vaccine, we are also short of vaccines for
Baby stink pants (40%)
Pudding reflux disease (30%)
Hyperactive biscuit (27%)
Hysterical whooping cough (3%)

My personal October surprise
Sexertainment (63%)
Tick bath (20%)
Flossing (10%)
Bathing not just on Saturday (7%)

Other countries that we shouldn’t forget
Slackslyvannia (38%)
Florida (28%)
Moldova (17%)
North Poland (17%)

The next natural disaster Florida can look forward to
Ticked off squirrels (52%)
Land sharks (39%)
Oddly small tidal waves (9%)

Correct way to put pants on
If you don’t put these pants on, more pants will attack you. (53%)
Put pants on, but neglect to come up with plan on how to get pants off (31%)
Make your pants sign a loyalty pledge before being put on (17%)

Things I see from the airplane
Little tiny things (58%)
Subdivisions (23%)
Cloudy cloud clouds (13%)
Lakes a plenty (6%)

Things you can't do after Labor Day
Look at white people (59%)
Wear a white jumpsuit (33%)
Walk a white dog (4%)
Eat egg whites (4%)

September? Already?
I still haven’t got my beach-house freak on! (56%)
Time to buy some big pencils. (34%)
Here comes the foliage! (10%)

Types of mischief I plan on getting into during the RNC Convention across town
Become a sovereign nation (71%)
Wear striped shirts and striped ties that clearly don’t match (16%)
Bottle rockets! (13%)
Stay informed of current events (0%)

The one Olympic sport I am totally looking forward to is
Popcorning (35%)
Terror Warning Whimpering (35%)
Political Race Baiting (19%)
Faulty Swim Drunks Diving (10%)

In November, I am voting for
The wealthy white guy (70%)
The wealthy white guy (30%)

Body parts not yet sunburned this summer
Bottom (35%)
Helmet (32%)
Head Holes (24%)
Leg Bone (9%)

sections of the weekend New York Times that I wish existed
nude week in review (42%)
shiny things (38%)
the teen beat (21%)

Description of NYC’s weather this summer and/or what my "back tat" says
If you can read this, you are close to my ass (78%)
Simply Sassy (15%)
Mild and pretty (7%)

Kerry/Edwards Campaign Slogan if they were the Olsen Twins and their campaign was a straight to video feature
The Adventures of John Kerry & John Edwards: The Case of the Fun House Mystery (42%)
You're Invited to John Kerry & John Edwards's Camping Party (39%)
To Grandmother's House We Go (19%)

Quotes from George Bush and Mr. T's presidential love child
fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me again, and, um, quit your jibber jaberring (42%)
we’re a nation that can’t be cowed by sucker evil doers giving us back talk (42%)
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family when you don't fly on no plane (15%)

Why monkeys make the perfect summertime pet
Will eat hot dogs even if you don’t have any buns left (44%)
Can help apply sunscreen to your back (30%)
Ability to fetch delicious fruit from trees (26%)

In terms of sheer coolness, few things beat
Giant Squids (42%)
Girls (42%)
Rocketry (15%)

Things you can do in Brooklyn when not talking about someone's mother and/or wife
Eat delicious sandwiches (27%)
Pet a friendly dog (27%)
Talk about someone’s greasy greasy granny (23%)
Engage in a teen riot (23%)

Things That Might Fly If You Put Enough Rockets on Them (inspired by dorkbot)
pants (63%)
bicycle (20%)
kitty cat (17%)

Reason scientist have never seen a live giant squid
Giant Squid don’t leave the house until late, usually after scientists have come home (39%)
Giant Squid ride in cars with tinted glass (32%)
Giant Squid wear sunglasses and baseball caps (29%)

I am
Suspiciously aroused (44%)
Haplessly drowsy (24%)
Courageously leading our nation in the war against terror (20%)
Stomping mad (11%)

Take this job and...
Ouch! That’s my bottom! (30%)
Wait. I'm still sober? (30%)
Oh, when I said “shove it”, I meant “please don’t fire me” (23%)
Hey watch it! That’s the business end! (17%)

Cutest Animal and/or Winner of Death Match 2004
Mark the Shark (41%)
Wombat (36%)
Cougar (15%)
Bear (8%)

In addition to ‘those who hate freedom’, Americans needs to look out for
Freedom hating carbs (40%)
Smart-alecky Canadians (35%)
Bamboozlement (26%)

Best community our friend Jessica is member of on Orkut
Baby Animals With Lasers (36%)
Peel and Eat Shrimp (19%)
Creepy Dude on a Bike (15%)
Ketchup (6%)

Ah, Spring! A time when a young man's thoughts turn to thoughts of...
boobies (41%)
milkshakes (33%)
booty (15%)
woo-woos (11%)

Other threats mentioned in the August 2001 Presidential Daily Briefing
Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! (45%)
Cougars! Cougars! Cougars! (40%)
Bears! Bears! Bears! (14%)

Osama Bin Laden’s plans for Easter
Promises not to hide eggs in beard. (41%)
New dress. New Easter hat. (33%)
Not to eat a whole chocolate bunny like last year. (27%)

Those 9/11 hearings taught me that
It's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G (62%)
It was mostly Bush’s fault, but some of it was Clinton’s (24%)
Somehow it was all my fault (9%)
It was mostly Clinton’s fault, but some of it was Bush’s (6%)

Things you need to be aware of if moving back to Brooklyn
Free babies when you move in (53%)
Manhattanites must be tagged for tracking purposes (29%)
The dreaded ass tax (18%)

My favorite dog trait
The whole fuzzy head thing (72%)
The chasing things thing (25%)
The wet nose thing (3%)

The English keep staring at my
Kick-ass dirt bike (53%)
Cougar (29%)
Vish-ass (18%)

favorite town in idaho
sugar city (38%)
fruitland (31%)
soda springs (31%)

Other things we'll learn when George Bush’s military records are released:
The Texas Air National Guard can be abbreviated as TANG (67%)
GWB and Chappy stole some F-15s and flew them to the middle-east to rescue GWB’s Dad who was being held in prison (18%)
His pilot nickname was Maverick (15%)

John Kerry election campaign slogans:
Shake yer Kerry maker! (64%)
Kerry Oh Key! (20%)
Larry for Kerry! (16%)

You know how I like it baby
Straight office park (39%)
Straight mini-mall (36%)
Straight hood (25%)

First thing I think of when I hear "Pittsburgh Steelers"
Theives in tight shiny pants (66%)
Steel Workers who live in PA (17%)
Hamburgers, yum (17%)

presidential candidate i would do drugs with
sharpton (26%)
iowa (26%)
kerry (17%)
dean (15%)
leiberman (15%)

We have to stop seeing each other because
cougar attacks (37%)
Anne Heche attacks (33%)
itchy (30%)

New Years resolution I have no plans on keeping
The one where I straighten up and fly right (42%)
The one about not hanging out at truck stops (37%)
The one about not spitting on people (21%)

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