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My New Year's Resolution
More Pork. (84%)
Less Pork. (16%)

This would make a good holiday poll topic
Sexy Santa said what? (35%)
Reindeer missed connections (29%)
What I am leaving for Santa (24%)
Past War-on-Christmas Battles (12%)

What to expect from me at your holiday office party
Sexy Santa dancing (30%)
Sexy double chip dipping (30%)
Sexy office supply stealing (30%)
Sexy small talking (11%)

My favorite Christmas tree ornament
Panties (38%)
The Taco Bell Taco-Claus (27%)
Steve (19%)
The ComCast Shiny Balls of Media (15%)

What I was arrested for at Thanksgiving
Stuffing stuffing (64%)
Pilgrim poking (18%)
Turkey trauma (9%)
Cornucopia copping (9%)

Screw vampires. I want a movie about
The Bug Bear (the creepy Celtic bear monster) (50%)
The Headless Mule (the creepy Brazilian monster) (28%)
The Great Boo (the Aboriginal monster) (11%)
Ox-Head and Horse-Face (those creepy Chinese monsters) (11%)

Cosmo's Headline: His #1 Sex Wish!
Wish #2: Very mysterious sex (33%)
Wish #3: Bouncy castle sex (28%)
Wish #5: Environmentally sustainable sex (22%)
Wish #4: Police line-up sex (17%)

Pork included in the Health Care Reform Bill
That ham you get that has the little piece of bacon attached to it (38%)
Shredded pork on a bun with cole slaw (31%)
Pork shoulder (19%)
Chitlins (12%)

Instead of the H1N1 vaccine, I was given
extra cheese (30%)
anti-zombie spray (30%)
a magic wand (22%)
a picture of the vaccine (17%)

What my horn honking means
"My McSlurpy is melting! I must get another!" (38%)
"I must hurry home to watch television! Hurry up!" (29%)
"I'm honking so that the people on the phone will know I am driving my awesome car" (24%)
"Check out my car! It's clean! I just got it washed!" (10%)

The rides I rode at Disney World
Adults who like to sit still with a drink Ride (40%)
Spinny McSpinners Magical Spinning Ride (27%)
The Magical Movie Merchandise Ride (20%)
The Mysterious Turkey Leg Ride (13%)

People who showed up unexpectedly on Three's Company
Jack's charming Uncle Fremont (41%)
Jack's blind buddy (32%)
Janet's high school heartthrob (14%)
Chrissy's minister father (14%)

Why October rocks
Taco-tober-fest (68%)
Sexy Fall Fashions (16%)
Those idiot birds have finally migrated south (11%)
It's when I get to leave the home (5%)

Why my religion is better than yours
Ladies get in free to our services (43%)
3 out of 5 Gods agree my religion is best (26%)
Creation story involves pirates (17%)
Free refills (13%)

That's not a bomb making book, it's a...
Quick dinners for busy bomber moms book (55%)
The screenplay for Ishtar (Hi-yo!) (32%)
Bomb diffusing book (9%)
Jewelry safe for small bombs faux-book (5%)

You don't really know what Socialism entails, do you?
Something about non-whites and/or homosexuals teaching my children science (53%)
Something about Wal-Marts being shut down (21%)
Something about Islam (16%)
Something about immigrants (11%)

I gained weight my freshmen year because
Hoagie club (50%)
Eating freshmen (29%)
Ball-bearing diet (14%)
Those odd alien pod things (7%)

Ground rules I laid down with my new college roommate
Yellow bandanna on the doorknob means there is plastic sheeting on the floor (34%)
Blue bandanna on the doorknob means you lovely sister has stopped by (25%)
Red bandanna on the doorknob means I am trying out a new safe word (25%)
Green bandanna on the doorknob means I am experimenting with warm oils (16%)

What I yelled out during last nights town-hall meeting
Gibberish chicken noises (41%)
An anagram (21%)
Code words (21%)
Some clever idioms (17%)

Where did I get this rash from?
Port Authority Bus Terminal (58%)
Your attractive sister (25%)
Your homely brother (8%)
Your snappy dressed uncle (8%)

My favorite part of the new GI Joe movie
The funny part with GI Joe at the Cordon Bleu (32%)
GI Joe's first television appearance (32%)
When GI Joe pulls out that old cookbook (21%)
When GI Joe arrives in France and discovers sole (16%)

Things revealed by my birth certificate
My father's middle name is "Randy" (37%)
My father is a famous stunt bike rider (21%)
My father once turned into a shaggy dog (21%)
My father is an imaginary astronaut (21%)

The dangers we will encounter with public health care
The quality of food in hospitals will suffer (34%)
The title of "Doctor" will be replaced by "Cure Master" (31%)
Americans will have to start saying, "We had to go to hospital" (17%)
Late at night, emergency rooms will be full of weirdos (17%)

What my upstairs neighbor is doing at 11pm
Vacuuming his ball bearing collection (45%)
Cinder block moving (30%)
Cat tap dancing rehearsal (20%)
Sitting quietly (5%)

I think there is sand in my
Eye sack (40%)
Knee groin (27%)
Nose-a-phone (20%)
Ear bone (13%)

Boys and/or Girls I have made-out with this summer
Your attractive sister (44%)
The one with the sunburned arms (22%)
The very friendly dolphin (22%)
The one with the sandy lips (11%)

Vendors at today's street fair
Fried tube sock vendor (42%)
Fried chair massage vendor (27%)
Fried chintzy jewelery vendor (23%)
Fried bouncy castle vendor (8%)

Symptoms of Rain Rage
Hosting dry t-shirt contests (45%)
Mildew poisoning (25%)
Shuffling, not dancing, during rain dances (20%)
Constant punching of rain drops (10%)

Best feature on the new iPhone
Mountain lion detector (48%)
Genie (32%)
Waffle iron (16%)
Cigarette lighter (4%)

This summer... what about us?
I plan on seeing many other people while wearing this gold lamé outfit I bought at American Apparel (50%)
I plan on seeing other people usually at Port Authority (24%)
We'll write each other every day (17%)
I plan on seeing other people (10%)

Things I'd wrap in bacon if I could
Your attractive sister (61%)
Waffles (17%)
The lunatic Right (14%)
The lunatic Left (8%)

Things at the beach that are giving me the stink eye
Small Nephew (38%)
Mega Shark (31%)
Mischievous Jellyfish (23%)
Giant Octopus (8%)

The main point I made during the commencement speech
Stay off my lawn (81%)
Ladies love cool Jay (10%)
Corn (5%)
Keep your hands in the car at all times (4%)

Things I like to shout out the second floor window to people on the street
Robot! Be careful! (40%)
I love you, but I'm not in love with you. (27%)
I'm fine, but I've had diarrhea all day (17%)
Quit messing! (17%)

Pandemics that haven't gotten a lot of press recently
The one with the itching (31%)
The one I got from your sister and/or brother (31%)
The pleated trouser pandemic (29%)
The pandemic pandemic (9%)

The best type of marriage
Non-Opposite but it's complicated and yet opposite marriage (39%)
Opposite with privileges marriage (35%)
Un-opposite opposite marriage (16%)
Opposite marriage (10%)

In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of
Hipster Grifters (40%)
God-Fearing Hippos (27%)
Hapless Gaffers (20%)
Gadfly Hippies (13%)

Tax deductions we made at happyrobot
Bionic Stu parts (32%)
Brown spirits (29%)
Stink eye (29%)
Various sprays (11%)

If these aren't our salad days, then what are they?
Our Chinese dumpling days (41%)
Our pricey tapas days (30%)
Our dishes with foam days (19%)
Our filling tamales days (11%)

Ah, Spring. And my thoughts turn to...
Global financial ruin (46%)
Scorpions (25%)
Ringworm (17%)
Rabies (12%)

My well thought out comment in regards to your post
I find your ideas stupid (59%)
I suspect that you are a homosexual (16%)
I posted my comment first before anyone else (13%)
I own over 2000 DVDs, hence I know more about movies (13%)

The reason I am not buying your racehorse
Stu rode it while nude (54%)
It's a dog (19%)
It's a goat (15%)
It's a small horse that appears to be stuck in mud but isn't (12%)

The reason I am not buying your house
The non-childproof moat (38%)
The rattlesnake problem (29%)
The granite appliances (21%)
The sinkholes (12%)

What I just twittered about
Territorial defense (50%)
Distress (18%)
Aggression (14%)
Feeding (14%)
Pleasure (4%)

Who I thanked when I won that award the other night
Tiny screws (38%)
Cole slaw (25%)
Waffles (25%)
Canada and Mexico (12%)

My favorite piece of Ikea furniture and/or Brooklyn street
Schermerhorn (31%)
Lusy Gomma (22%)
Luquer (22%)
Cortelyou (12%)
Imlay (12%)

Things I've smacked down
Your last post (30%)
The Youth (26%)
Big rubber ball (23%)
Hairballs (21%)

Things websites do to celebrate their birthdays
Take a long sudsy bath (44%)
Have the tubes flushed (36%)
Get clean websheets (12%)
Clear out the interweb dust (8%)

The new virus I have on my computer
Woolly monkey sarcoma virus (43%)
Alligatorweed stunting virus (24%)
San Miguel sealion virus (19%)
Horseradish latent virus (14%)

First thing you need to do when you move into the White House
Sprinkle coyote urine around the property to keep raccoons out (68%)
Inspect the roof for any winter damage to avoid leaks (18%)
Check septic tank level (9%)
Examine chimney for blockages and soot (6%)

My favorite kind of tarantula and/or the codename for something nasty
Honduran Curly Hair (38%)
Brazilian Black & White (24%)
Mexican Red Knee (24%)
Goliath Bird Eating (14%)

How is 2009 going for you so far?
I'm wearing a barrel. (43%)
Unemployment-riffic! (30%)
Smashing (windows)! (16%)
Apocalyptic! (11%)

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