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New Years Resolutions I have already given up on
Resolution to not drink liquor then beer then liquor then beer then liquor then wine then beer (36%)
Resolution to stop making fun of Renaissance Festivals (28%)
Resolution to stop slapping people (20%)
Resolution to stop making fun of the internet (16%)

Thanks for the pony!
Pony (cougar ate it) (45%)
Pony (keg) (25%)
Pony (hand knit sweater) (20%)
Pony (photo of one) (10%)

Happy Harmonica! (50%)
Happy week before Jeebus-mas (50%)

The most popular store on my block during Winter Holiday Shopping Season
Toys that make grating noises - now be a dear and get mommy a drink gift shop (43%)
The unpopular wooden toys that make learning fun shop (26%)
Half-ass gift for Dad shop (22%)
Liberal-leaning gifts for conservative relatives shop (9%)

I've got Pac-Man fever
I'm heading out the back door and in the other side (86%)
It's driving me crazy (9%)
I'm going out of my mind (5%)

It's the official start of the holiday season at happyrobot
Donnie we now our gay apparel (57%)
Deck Stu with boughs of holly (16%)
Merry First Christmas Steve! (16%)
MIDI Jingle Bells 24-7 (11%)

My Thanksgiving plans
Sweet-mother-f*cking-potatoes. (33%)
On floor. Moaning. (30%)
Drunken fist fight in yard with uncle. (22%)
Elastic waistbands. (15%)

Autumn is here
Daddy has a headache (39%)
The monkeys are hibernating (22%)
Bring on the sweaters (22%)
Turkeys are nervous (17%)

Reasons why I am thin, at least according to the woman at the dry cleaners
You don't have children (53%)
Bears were always chasing me (34%)
Bears were always stealing my food (13%)

Demands of the Methodist Terrorists
We demand that the infidels bring a covered dish! (48%)
We demand that the infidels tell us where they got that sweater with the snowmen on it! (38%)
We demand that the infidels come on inside and get ready for dinner! (14%)

Methods terrorists plan to use against my family!
Exploding casserole (39%)
Deviled eggs left out in the sun (39%)
Biggee drink poisoning (21%)
Choppy beheading (0%)

Statements about my opponent from our recent political debate
He drinks blood from human skulls - skulls that taxpayers paid for. (45%)
He may be a vampire, but he votes like a werewolf. (27%)
Albany needs less of the undead - not more. (14%)
Dude! He's a friggin' vampire! He'll eat your family! (14%)

Quotes from instant message conversations that our AIMBOT had with Congressional Pages
I had intercourse with a cow today (38%)
I have Luke Skywalker's phone number (33%)
My hamster is very sick. (21%)
I am wearing my usual plastic computer wardrobe. (8%)

The main reason why robots end up turning evil
The crushing boredom from sorting screws all day (45%)
Being hassled by the man (41%)
Health insurance costs for uninsured robots are tremendously high (9%)
Preferential hiring practices (5%)

Brush-a brush-a brush-a, brush your little
simple opening that serves as both mouth and anus (36%)
teeth that are specially adapted for cutting meat, tendons, and sinews (32%)
banjo playing uncle's hair (32%)

Favorite virus and/or virus that could be the name of a Star Wars character
Epsilon 15 (32%)
AD-36 (21%)
Tymovirus (21%)
Owl Monkey Herpesvirus (16%)
Satellite Tobacco Mosaic Virus (11%)

Mohamed Atta's Five Year Anniversary Report from the Afterlife
By "six dozens virgins" they must of meant "no virgins and constant burning" (64%)
Ouch! So burny! (18%)
That hell-hound just took my arm! (14%)
Ow! So stabby! (5%)

Favorite memory from Summer 2006
We made out under the dock (65%)
Took her bowlin' in the Arcade (25%)
We went strollin', drank lemonade (10%)

Items on my list for back to school
Box of shivs (29%)
Snake bite kit (29%)
Flask (24%)
Corduroy pants (19%)

Animals that are tasty and/or might bite me in the ocean
Slack-jawed tuna (49%)
Crabs (24%)
Toothy giant shrimp (15%)
Foul tempered eel (12%)

The inevitable sequel to Snakes on a Plane
Goddamned bees (34%)
Frogs on a train (24%)
Cats in a box (14%)
Youíve Got Mail Ė Again (14%)
Coupons in a pouch (14%)

Ways I killed that nest of bugs I just found
Fixed them a little casserole. Then Poison, then vacuum, then poison. (40%)
Glared at them. Then Poison. (35%)
Crank-called them. Then poison. Then stomping. Then poison. (20%)
Posted an eviction note their little bug door, then Poison. (5%)

What's causing Americans to feel the pain at the gas pumps?
Goddamned bees (48%)
Biggee drinks just arenít big enough to fill gaping hole in soul (35%)
Gas station attendants are getting all uppity (13%)
Gas station out of proper snacks (4%)

If the zoo animals actually had a parade
Snakes in little cars (33%)
The lazy lion float (29%)
Otter marching band (24%)
The 2006 Ms. Ostrich winner (14%)

Preparations at happyrobot for the arrival of Pony's baby
Sock monkeys (41%)
Child-resistant outlet covers on Stu (32%)
Cougars kept outside (18%)
Safety gates on the ChatBot (9%)

My personal favorite football hooliganism from this past weekend
Yelling at crowds of Stu fans telling them to go back to Stu (38%)
Loving too much (29%)
Pounding cake (29%)
Two Fish Tacos. Two Beers. (5%)

America Day vs. Canada Day
Hot-ass weather day (64%)
Mexico Day (21%)
America Day (7%)
Canada Day (7%)

Favorite summer street fair purchases
Sweaty Kancho! (50%)
Fried Tube Socks! (33%)
Grilled Handmade Earrings! (17%)
Candied Queen-Sized Comforters! (0%)

Best tagline from the movie Breakin'
Push it to pop it! Rock it to lock it! Break it to make it! (62%)
Fasten your seatbelts. Those crazy Cannonballers are at it again! (19%)
For The Break Of Your Life! (12%)
The dance explosion of the 80s (8%)

The greatest threat to the USA
Married terrorists who hate judges but like gay activists as long as they hate freedom (32%)
Gay republicans who marry terrorists to spite activist judges who hate freedom (32%)
Activist judges who hate gay non-activist-judges who want to get married to terrorists (20%)
Gay marriage in Iraq (16%)

Scariest Monsters and/or Tasty Snacks
Chocolate Bigfoot (57%)
Fried Shrimp Heads (26%)
Rabid TV Pundits (17%)

Facts from Don't Stop Believing
The midnight train to anywhere is popular with both city boys and small town girls (56%)
The room where the singer performs contains smoke and the scent of wine and inexpensive womenís perfume. (19%)
The movie never ends, and it seems to just keep going on and on (15%)
Streetlight people they live just to find emotion (11%)

Dear snot building up inside my body
Wow. Four sneezes in a row. That's sexy! (33%)
No more wife swapping for me. (33%)
Is it Pollen? Or terrorists? (25%)
No, really. I like carrying tissue with me. (8%)

Crime doesn't pay, but if it did pay, it'd pay this much
$7.00 (47%)
20 bushels of corn/hour (30%)
Toony (23%)

My favorite fried seafood at the fish house
Fried fried stuffed crabs with fries (33%)
Chicken fried salad (33%)
Fried shrimp battered trout (18%)
Refried fried catfish (15%)

Gifts I wanted to give your baby but was persuaded not to
Stetson for Men (35%)
That extremely sharp small shiny object (35%)
Paper bag of rusty chains (15%)
Pocket Kama Sutra (15%)

What time is it? No, really. I'm not joking.
Half past Stu (41%)
Time for sexy (38%)
Time to fix the faucet (14%)
Time to dance (7%)

States that don't exist, but maybe should
North Cupcake (36%)
Methlabia (36%)
Sexarkana (29%)

The top choices for names of my imaginary daughter
Christall Beth (38%)
Rocketship (32%)
Stuenda (30%)

April showers brings
Worms! Worms! Worms! (43%)
My inhibitions down (30%)
Wrath-like flooding (27%)

What you should know about the happyrobot posse
Many enjoy cake (40%)
They smell nice and can hold their liquor (38%)
Thereís very little friction dancing (12%)
Thereís very little knife fighting (10%)

Opt-Outs in life that I apparently didn't check
Hassled by the man (42%)
Extra snot in head (39%)
Stoned in town square (15%)
Constantly smacked (3%)

Cutest snake
Hello snakey (45%)
Carl, the garter snake (28%)
Cuddle viper (14%)
Pillow python (14%)

I'd love to help you, but...
You know. Bears. (61%)
A bear has detected me and is showing signs of aggression (19%)
Iím backing up slowly and trying to put more space between myself and the bear (19%)

Less well known Don Knotts characters
Hollis Alexander Figg (33%)
Nervous Motorist (24%)
Theodore Ogelvie (24%)
Abner Audubon Peacock IV (19%)

How I celebrated Presidents Day
Shot a guy (44%)
Curled up in a ball (26%)
Protected myself from evil-doers (22%)
Raised my own taxes (7%)

My New Wrestling Moniker
Roboto Diablo (38%)
Gorgeous Stu (28%)
Slappy Robot (17%)
Professional Blogger (17%)

Even more offensive cartoons to protest
Wizard of ID (38%)
Snuffy Smith (26%)
Garfield (18%)
Beatle Bailey (18%)

Less newsworthy authors kicked out of Oprah's Book Club
Gideon Defoe (54%)
Jo Deurbrouck and Dean Miller (29%)
Franklin W. Dixon (17%)

Things that would keep me up late at night if I were a werewolf and there wasn't a full moon
Why are vampires such douchebags? (49%)
I think Frankenstein is depressed about something. (30%)
Is it mange or just dry skin? (16%)
Maybe I should just get a flea bath. (5%)

How much does January rock?
More than Pennsylvania (49%)
The same as clogged sink drains (26%)
Less than March (16%)
Slightly more than February (9%)

Trends for 2006
Sea Monsters are the new cougars (45%)
Saturday is the new Thursday (18%)
Webernet is the new internet (15%)
Black is the new black (12%)
Film is the new digital (9%)

How sexy will 2006 be?
Sea monsters! (51%)
Stuíingly sexy (21%)
Painfully sexy, but the good painful way (16%)
Pants burstingly sexy (10%)
Sexy in that girl-next-door who is really sexy way (1%)

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