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It’s not the mad cow disease that scares me, but the
(12/28/2003-1/4/2004)
Immensely excited gopher disease (53%)
Flabbergasted chicken disease (28%)
Disgruntled goat disease (19%)



Santa won’t be able to leave my gifts because
(12/21/2003-12/28/2003)
Something about terrorists (52%)
Cougars eat deer (26%)
Daddy is on the roof shooting clay pigeons (22%)



Grandma says she wants it for Christmas, but there's no way she can handle all that
(12/14/2003-12/21/2003)
booty (39%)
signage (35%)
catnip (23%)
don't know (3%)



Nuttiest guest on the TV show I work on
(12/7/2003-12/14/2003)
this comedian who works under the name "Hamburger" (62%)
rick james (38%)
DMX (0%)



Reality show i would hate to get caught watching
(11/30/2003-12/7/2003)
who wants to make me a bag lunch? (44%)
E!'s True Poop Stories (42%)
I Love the 1703's (14%)



cake is for
(11/23/2003-11/30/2003)
baby fools (46%)
lovers (43%)
fools (11%)



My favorite Mexican wrestler is:
(11/16/2003-11/23/2003)
SuperZan (43%)
Los Leones Del Ring (29%)
Mil Mascaras (18%)
Huracan Ramirez (11%)



Canada's National Animal is
(11/9/2003-11/16/2003)
The Mighty Beaver (57%)
Finnegan from Mr. Dressup (21%)
The Nutritious Turkey (13%)
The Canadian Goose (9%)



Get out of my dreams, get into my...
(11/2/2003-11/9/2003)
Pants (49%)
Sandwich (41%)
Closet (10%)
dont' know (0%)



For halloween, I plan on being a
(10/26/2003-11/2/2003)
blanket (41%)
sexy Roy after the tiger attack (25%)
sexy hobo (21%)
sexy zombie (12%)



In a new audiotape, a voice purported to be Osama bin Laden's vowed
(10/19/2003-10/26/2003)
“I won’t pay a lot for this muffler!” (41%)
“I will lose those extra pounds before my High School Reunion!” (36%)
“I will find the best source and lowest prices for home entertainment equipment!” (23%)



Prettiest Meat
(10/12/2003-10/19/2003)
Beef (53%)
Pork (24%)
Poultry (24%)



Common apartment complaints
(10/5/2003-10/12/2003)
Missing chickens (56%)
Tiger urine leaking from ceiling (34%)
Kitten eating tigers (10%)



Fall is the best season because
(9/28/2003-10/5/2003)
I can finally put my boobies away (69%)
I can wear long sleeves with a sense of new-found authority (24%)
I love raking leaves (7%)



Summer is over
(9/21/2003-9/28/2003)
Did I mention this girl I met at camp this year? (41%)
I have a girlfriend. We went to camp together. (38%)
I met this really terrific girl at camp this year (21%)



My least favorite Happy Days episode from their last season
(9/14/2003-9/21/2003)
#214- Empty Nest - After Joanie departs, Marion replaces the living room furniture with inflatables and buys a trailer. (44%)
#209- Chachi's Future - Chachi dumps his dreams of rock stardom to become a high-pressure salesman. (37%)
#217- Who Gives a Hootenanny - Arnold replaces the jukebox music with folk music. Joanie and Chachi appear on a TV music show called Hootnite. (19%)



I'm similar to Muhammad Ali in that
(9/7/2003-9/14/2003)
I know I'm pretty (52%)
I, too, beat the crap out of Sonny Liston (29%)
I believe I am the greatest and on time (19%)



Back that:
(8/31/2003-9/7/2003)
Ass up (44%)
Fiscal figure up with some real facts, buster (39%)
Garbage truck up (17%)



Aiyee! Summer is almost over and I haven’t even
(8/24/2003-8/31/2003)
Looted (40%)
Had a sand covered beach romance (33%)
Made hot dogs (16%)
Bought my back to school clothes at Belks (12%)



First thing you thought when lights went out
(8/17/2003-8/24/2003)
Make-Out Party! (38%)
Put on loot-proof pants (33%)
Damn, robot chat broke the interweb (18%)
I should have gotten the battery-powered vibrator (10%)



Top item on pirate’s To-Do list before vacation
(8/10/2003-8/17/2003)
Purchase ‘Arrrgh, Let’s Go Europe’ book (82%)
Eye-patch wax (10%)
Parrot Feed (8%)



If I made a mix tape for this summer, the title would be
(8/3/2003-8/10/2003)
Please sleep with me already (66%)
Songs to find Saddam by (25%)
Hot tunes in the summertime (9%)



That restaurant wasn’t open for very long
(7/27/2003-8/3/2003)
Taqueria Problemo (41%)
El Casa Diarrea (31%)
Chez sexe de chien (28%)
fratelli di sgabello (0%)



This summer: trucker hats / Next summer:
(7/20/2003-7/27/2003)
Those hats that have a beer on either side with straws that run down to your mouth (33%)
scalp ringworm (33%)
Pith hat (23%)
Bicycle helmet (10%)



Other pieces of incorrect information given to the president by his intelligence department
(7/13/2003-7/20/2003)
dude she really likes you (67%)
the drinking age is 18 (23%)
the speed limit through here is 75 (7%)
it's low fat (3%)



what did you get canada for its birthday?
(7/6/2003-7/13/2003)
Pony (34%)
'America' hat (31%)
flag cozy (21%)
honey pot (14%)



things i learned this weekend:
(6/29/2003-7/6/2003)
aparently pants are *implied* in the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" rule (63%)
no need to build ark (31%)
wear sunblock (6%)



My favorite BBC show is
(6/22/2003-6/29/2003)
The Shoes, Pudding, and Trousers Hour (Variety show) (63%)
Blimey! I'm on the TeeVee! (Reality show) (30%)
This Old Thatched Roof (How to show) (7%)



To have a successful summer movie blockbuster you need
(6/15/2003-6/22/2003)
Explosive breasts (43%)
Karate breasts (33%)
Space breasts (24%)



The weather on the east coast has been
(6/8/2003-6/15/2003)
Moist (50%)
Wet and crappy (26%)
Grey and cruddy (24%)



Instead of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, American troops found:
(6/1/2003-6/8/2003)
Really angry squirrels with tiny little guns (74%)
Weapons of minor destruction (15%)
Weapons of annoying destruction (10%)



What makes this cake so delicious?
(5/25/2003-6/1/2003)
All-Lawton-Spice (26%)
The blood of the American infidels (26%)
Lard (24%)
Grandma (24%)



The cuter robot
(5/18/2003-5/25/2003)
the blue one (40%)
the red one (35%)
the silver one (26%)



Other sweet heart deals Haliburton has gotten from the US Gov.
(5/11/2003-5/18/2003)
Dates with Jenna and Barbara (64%)
Haliburton granted ownership of sand in Iraq (24%)
51st state status (12%)



My favorite thing about Spring
(5/4/2003-5/11/2003)
Pollen covered birds (67%)
Pollen covered blooming trees (26%)
Pollen covered flowers (8%)



Reasons I can’t deliver the package to you
(4/27/2003-5/4/2003)
I’ve got candy corn in my ear (54%)
That ol’ rooster gonna get me on the anal (35%)
I have to go to Lady Ashley’s house (10%)



Ask your doctor about...
(4/20/2003-4/27/2003)
Mangina (52%)
Carlos (26%)
Slapflex (12%)
RashAway (10%)



my favorite anti-SARS medication
(4/13/2003-4/20/2003)
Tylenol Cold & SARS (33%)
Buckley's SARS-B-GONE (33%)
VAPO-SARS (19%)
Sweet n Sour SARS (16%)



Is Saddam still alive?
(4/6/2003-4/13/2003)
Where the cheese go? (80%)
Yes (20%)
No (0%)



The happyrobot national warning color is currently:
(3/30/2003-4/6/2003)
Fearful Mango (40%)
Jumpy Brown (36%)
Skittish French Blue (24%)



Deleted sentence from “how to surrender” pamplets dumped out over Iraq
(3/23/2003-3/30/2003)
Face coalition troop and say, “Hi, I’d like to get home delivery of the New York Times” (61%)
put your left foot in, and you shake it all about (36%)
When troops approach, sing out: “Shield your home, with Slomin Shield” (3%)



Rejected alternative names for French Fries
(3/16/2003-3/23/2003)
Fat Ass American Fries (43%)
White men without anything to do Fries (36%)
Super Sized Idiot Fries (21%)



phrase i would pay to hear George W Bush say
(3/9/2003-3/16/2003)
"Dick! Beer Me!" (51%)
"had some hot dogs, drinks" (30%)
"Don't miscalculate our strategery" (19%)



Change in my pocket
(3/2/2003-3/9/2003)
$ .03 (38%)
$ .47 (31%)
$ 1.35 (21%)
$ .25 (10%)



Other features of Great White’s stage show not mentioned in their rider
(2/23/2003-3/2/2003)
Pack of rabid squirrels encore (55%)
Dirty bomb solo (27%)
Sarin gas smoke machine (18%)



alternate uses of duct tape
(2/16/2003-2/23/2003)
cat armour (31%)
pot pie (29%)
condom (26%)
zombie lasso (14%)



The best Weekly Poll topic we came up with while eating dinner with Tamara
(2/9/2003-2/16/2003)
If I had a two headed snake, I would use the second head to: (37%)
Aunt Jemima's dream job: (32%)
Am I hot or not? (32%)



how many grapes can you fit in your mouth?
(2/2/2003-2/9/2003)
oh, you said mouth (51%)
what? apes? what are you crazy? (29%)
five (20%)



In Gulf War II, Iraq will employ their new deadly
(1/26/2003-2/2/2003)
Cavalcade of dinner theatre singers (40%)
Army of vampires and werewolves (33%)
Brigade of foul-mouthed teens (27%)



It's colder than
(1/19/2003-1/26/2003)
shit-a-monkey it's cold (36%)
crappity crap crap (31%)
my soul (22%)
jeeeesus it's cold (11%)



The war with the most commercial appeal would be:
(1/12/2003-1/19/2003)
Iraq vs. USA (77%)
North Korea vs. USA (23%)



2003 started with a
(1/5/2003-1/12/2003)
Blargh (60%)
Kurplunk (24%)
Bang (16%)




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